This is for you, my fellow single Jewish women. Essentially, anyone may be able to relate to this article, but right now, I’m writing for you. All of you are in my mind. At times, it may feel like you’re alone. But you aren’t. Because we are all in this together. In the world of shidduchim, it’s easy for us to feel like we are just one of a million resumes. My intention in this article is to show that you are not one of a million, but one in a million.
So here’s the thing: I thought about writing an article with all of the procedural tasks that may lead to getting more shidduch suggestions. The problem is that you probably know all of them. And I can say them in one sentence: Daven(pray), get a resume, meet shadchanim, email reminders to shadchanim regularly, and tell shadchanim who you are and what you want. Done. Finished. Good night ladies and gentlemen; you’ve been a magnificent audience!
Okay, so the procedural stuff is easy. But the dreaded burnout doesn’t come from these tasks alone. It comes from performing these tasks over and over again without results, or at least without the desired results. It comes from trying and trying, until you just want to give up. Let’s face it. We’ve all done what everyone has told us to do.
Some of us have been going to events and meeting shadchanim for years. Whoever you are, and no matter how long you have been in the parsha, there was probably a time when you were frustrated. But here is what amazes me, and should amaze you as well: We always get up again. We keep trying. And with a strong mindset, no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard it becomes, we can do anything.
So I started wondering, what if all of this was meant to make us into certain kinds of people? The types of people who don’t give up – not on ourselves and not on the future bayis ne’eman that we all want to build.
Of course, one of the biggest challenges for women in the parsha is the dreaded evil monster: the “shidduch crisis.” We end the day cursing its name, wishing that we could thwart its demonic plans, which cause us pain and hinder our ability to begin our futures. I can picture its form now: a slithering creature with long, curling, yellow claws, which it uses to tear boys’ resumes into shreds before the resumes can get to us. An evildoer at its finest. But what if we could take away its power?
We may not be able to change the ratios all at once, but one thing that we do have control over is ourselves. Our reactions. And our ability to get up again, despite all else pushing us down.
And as I was thinking about this, I realized something. What if the very monster that I believed was my ruin was actually anything but? What if that slithering, evil creature wasn’t that at all? Because if it gave me this opportunity to keep going, to get up again despite the challenge, and to become an even stronger person, then it must not be a monster. It must be a friend. I wanted to revolt against the shidduch crisis, until I realized that it isn’t the enemy. The real enemy lives within us.
It’s that voice in our heads that says that a thousand ideas will make us happy. It’s that feeling of rejection we get when the ideas aren’t pouring in, that feeling that tells you that you aren’t as amazing as you once thought you were.
Newsflash: Dating is supposed to be hard. When Chazal wrote that bringing two people together is harder than splitting the Yam Suf, there was no shidduch crisis then. Finding the right person was never easy. In fact, it’s only a little easier than finding yourself.
I think the search is just another piece of the puzzle that is all about finding out who you really are. And even when we are all older, I’m sure we’ll still be doing things that surprise us and make us question whether we’ve found ourselves yet.
Maybe that’s what life is: a constant game of finding yourself. It’s kind of beautiful – that Hashem created you with one true goal: to become the best you that you can be.
So here’s what really got me thinking. If dating is supposed to be hard, and always was, then why would Hashem make it difficult in specifically this way? For one, why not switch the crisis around: that is, have a surplus of boys? (I’m sure all of us single women are wondering what that would be like!) So, I started to wonder what goal the shidduch crisis serves just the way it is.
For men, I believe that the shidduch crisis also helps them figure out who they are. When you have plenty of suggestions thrown at you, you can’t say yes to everything. You must know who you are first so you can narrow it down. And while that process helps them find their bashert, it has the added benefit of turning boys into men.
For women, the shidduch crisis helps us with the negative voice inside us that I’ve described above. Sometimes we feel like we need to be validated – and that the shidduch suggestions are the world’s way of saying that we’re pretty, smart, and that we matter. But I don’t think that Hashem wants us to think that way. So, He made it basically impossible.
A girl will go to a shadchan thinking that she will feel validated with a ton of suggestions off the bat, but ratios make that improbable. Now, the only way for her to feel validated is by telling herself how special she is – by actually believing in herself without the need for anyone else’s opinion and without a multitude of ideas.
Confidence that is independent of external factors – that is eternal. And the world will ask it of us. Many of us have heard our parents say that they don’t know how they would have grown up in the world that we live in today, where spiritual corruption attacks at the press of a button.
We are the future leaders. We are the future wives and mothers who will have to fight against the fierce corrosion of values that is pointed at us and our future families. That won’t be easy. It will mean that Jewish women will have to be stronger than ever before.
So keep getting up. Keep fighting. The enemy isn’t the crisis or the system. It was always going to be hard. The question is: Will that stop you? Will it stop you from fighting for your future and for yourself? Everything that Hashem put into this world was meant to make us stronger.
That is especially true of the things that frustrate us and shake our courage. So yes, this article is for us. These words are for us. And although this is serious, I find one thing quite funny: When we entered the parsha, we all thought that we were starting a journey toward finding our basherts (soulmates), unaware that really, we were starting a journey toward finding ourselves.
Written By: Rena H Neuman.
