Written by expert dating coach, Rachel Burnham.
We Wish It Was Just Vaping
If vaping was the worst habit of the guy we’re dating, this would be a much simpler issue. The unfortunate reality is that young (mostly) men in our community also dabble in recreational smoking (hookah and cigars are popular), drinking, pot, and gambling.
I’m assuming you’re asking me about all of the above when you ask me about vaping. If you don’t come across any of these other behaviors in your dating, somebody you know and love certainly will.
So, if you uncover an uncomfortable habit such as one of these, what do you do??
Here’s the Core Issue
Let’s face it, “the cool kids” are doing a lot of these things.
At the same time, the people you truly respect aren’t (remember, in the context of dating, our measure of respect is how happy we’d feel if our child turned out just like this person.)
The question then becomes: Why is this guy you’re dating involved in these behaviors? What does it mean if a person you otherwise like and want to respect is consistently doing something that gives you the willies in your heart of hearts.
Here are just some possibilities of just what that might mean, in order of severity:
- He’s seen this behavior socialized and has come to accept it. He does it from time to time, but in a purely episodic and social way.
- He’s a “cool kid” or a “cool kid” wannabe. He’s doing this so that he can run in the circles he aspires to be a part of. And hey, it’s fun.
- What began for any number of reasons, has become an unbreakable habit. Life is difficult to live without substances – they are the go-to destresser whenever the going gets tough.
- There is a real pain and emptiness that needs to be shut down. The vaping, drinking, brownies – they paper over the dark place he’s running from.
- Genuine mental illness is present. It could be mild anxiety or depression or a severe mood/character disorder. Knowingly or not, this guy is self medicating.
As you can see clearly, not all of these reasons are created equal. The impact they’ll likely have on your life and the life of your unborn children will vary widely. Some might have fairly minimal impact, while others are kryptonite for marriage relationships and healthy parenting.
Gaining an understanding of your date’s habits is critical.
Unpacking Habits
Can You Communicate?
There is a universe of difference between a guy involved in suboptimal habits that:
- Can talk about his behaviors in a self aware and transparent way
and somebody who - Denies this activity carries any meaning for either him or you and is generally evasive and dodgy about it in conversation
In the first case you have an issue that you can address together within the broader context of your relationship. In the second case you have a relationship that is itself an issue.
If in dating you can’t share and exchange openly with your dating partner about issues that are of deep concern for your life and future, just imagine what your life and future might look like with such a person.
It’s not the vaping, but the relationship itself that’s going up in smoke.
Other than JUUL Glacier Mint pods, what else is going to be off limits between the two of you? What other preferences and aspirations might you have that your date/spouse will find easy to shut down and/or dismiss.
Can He Survive?
Assuming the two of you were able to talk openly about his habits, what have you learned?
How deeply does this run in his life, in his past, in his family/community? Recognizing that addictive behaviors have a much higher likelihood of ramping up rather than winding down, what’s his plan?
When did this begin? What need or hole in his life does this fill? Can he fill that hole with alternative sources? How is he convinced this is true? Does he have a support network on whom he can rely?
Has he ever been diagnosed to see if he needs the professional treatment of a “T Doc” (Talk Doctor or clinical therapist) or a “P Doc” (Pill Doctor or clinical psychiatrist)?
Know Thyself
Knowing him is only half the equation.
Even if you have been able to come to clarity and transparency on the behaviors that were of concern, you have to know whether you can hold this or not.
Some people are uber laid back. Some people grew up in deeply loving and accepting homes. Some are very self reliant and self assured. Some aren’t.
There are girls who may themselves have experimented with “alternative recreational paths” and formed opinions about those choices – positive, neutral, and negative.
Dating never happens in a vacuum. It’s always a chemical reaction between you and the other person. How does your personality, your past, and your vision for the future interact with this person – where they are and where they might be headed?
These are questions I can’t begin to answer if I don’t know you. I certainly encourage you to ask these questions and get answers.
Don’t Drink Your Own Happy Talk
Truth has a persistent way of coming back. No matter how much we try to ignore, deny, or recast reality, that reality will continue along on its own merry way.
The decision you make about whom to marry is by definition a decision with an infinite time horizon. Once you marry, and especially once you have a child with someone, they will continue to exert influence on the rest of your future. For generations.
I want you to be happy now AND later. For the purposes of making the most important decision in your life, please make a habit of bringing your future into your present and taking a long hard look at both of them together.
Don’t Marry Maybe
Here’s a thought people have failed with billions of times: He’ll change when we’re married.
That’s a hope. Hope’s an emotion.
Maybe he will. Most likely he won’t.
Marriage solves the problems of being alone. It wasn’t built to solve problems outside its own scope. If somebody has problems that aren’t the result of missing their other half, they can’t be solved by another half.
Even if that half is extraordinary. Even if that half is you.
But That’s How Guys Are Today
Not all of them. You know that and I know that.
Why are you saying that?
Probably because you have the justified fear of remaining single. I feel you. Those 14 years I was single were rough. They were painful.
Two thoughts:
We Get The Shidduch We Think We Deserve
There’s a reason why “…because it’s good for shidduchim” has become a punch line. Both guys and girls will go to extraordinary lengths to become desirable in shidduchim.
People put themselves together because attractive people get more dates and more proposals. People try to increase their earning power because people who are financially well off get more dates and more proposals.
I didn’t make the game. I’m just calling it as I see it.
What message will we send about recreational behaviors?
We women can control the message of what we find attractive, stable, and desirable. If we’re clear and consistent in what we say and what we do in response to lifestyle choices, we WILL impact decisions that guys make. We’ve done it before and we CAN do it again.
Ladies, let’s have confidence in ourselves and in each other. There’s a reason we were trusted with bringing life into the world.
Who Really Runs The Show?
This is where bitachon gets its stress test. If you are making a decision based on your values and priorities as well as the best interests of your family’s future, you have to know that He is with you in that decision. Hashem wants you to make that decision and FULLY supports that decision.
How the story ends is not your responsibility, it’s His. He’s been handling a world teetering on crisis for thousands of years. He’s big enough to hold us too. He really really is.
I Believe In You
This is not an easy topic. Part of me would much rather discuss your wardrobe choices for a dating event or how best to fold sports into your shidduch resume.
The other part of me wants to see you married to a man you’ll respect and adore for decades. That part of me believes you’re good enough for a relationship like that and will cheer you from the sidelines of the aisle until you are walking down that aisle in a wedding dress!
Having that confidence in yourself doesn’t always come naturally, but it is the shortest path to your longest relationship.
With 14 years of personal dating experience, including hundreds of men and thousands of dates, Rachel’s highly actionable coaching comes directly from the trenches. Get clarity and traction in your dating today with a free consultation at rachel@d8gr8.com or 90-D8GR8 NOW (903) 847-8669. Find at more at d8gr8.com.
