Written by Shadchan, Margie Pensak.
Navigating the shidduch system was a cinch when the Baby Boomers dated. That’s because there was no system – and yet, singles did not suffer from the shidduch “crisis” referred to today. In addition to meeting at shul, school, and singles events, they met at Shabbos tables, Catskill hotels, libraries, and even Tashlich. Relatives, friends, classmates, students, workmates, and neighbors often proposed (no pun intended) ideas. Oh, and suggestions were also made by shadchanim.
There was no such thing as today’s mandatory shidduch profile (more commonly called by the misnomer “resume”), and guys (or their mothers) did not insist on seeing the girl’s photo prior to going out. An extensive preliminary FBI (FrumBureau of Investigation) check of references did not exist. After hearing some details, you basically trusted the person who broached the idea and then relied on your own judgment.
After reading an article in Mishpachamagazine critical of the grilling that goes on before a first date and the numerous readers’ letters that followed, I polled local and global contacts about their take on all aspects of our present shidduch system. There was no lack of (sometimes heated) response.
Questioning the Questions
Sheila Fechter, of Baltimore, says that today’s singles are pickier about wanting to know about a person even prior to meeting or speaking on the phone. “It seems more like looking for the perfect look or the right lifestyle, says Sheila. “Part of getting to know someone is through conversation. You share family and medical issues once you are becoming close as a couple, not as part of the resume/shidduch process. In my day – before resumes – we were good sports and let friends fix us up even with only a little bit of information. Many dates resulted in great marriages; others resulted in lots of good stories about bad dates or good ones we let go, only to reconnect and marry years later.”
One Baltimorean, Gitti,* shares her view of the investigative process. “Neighbors and friends will probably not know the whole–truth-and-nothing-but-the-truth about someone else’s private situation; even if they think they know, they might not be accurate. We all want to be sure that the person we are dating is perfect, but maybe we have to learn to accept that we can’t control everything. We have to be willing to take that risk. I think the goal should be honesty when the couple is dating. If you want to know if there is mental illness in their family, why not ask them? You will most likely hear the real truth rather than digging around for garbage from others.”
Basya,* another anonymous Baltimorean, rhetorically asks, are we asking questions that are inappropriate, meaningless, intrusive and/or detrimental? “Someone once called me as a reference for a friend of mine. I sang her praises and spoke of her stellar middos, caring nature, easygoing personality, and how responsible and capable she is in so many areas. The person then proceeded to ask me, ‘So, just her father works? Why doesn’t her mother work?’ I told her that I don’t have specifics of her financial situation as it’s something we don’t discuss, because it’s irrelevant. After a few more ridiculous questions, she thanked me and hung up. Aren’t we taught we should look for spouses who have exceptionalmiddos and are good, caring people? It seemed the most important thing to her was finding out why someone was a stay-at-home mother.”
Tamar,* who is single, told me about some of the questions the boy’s mothers asked about her, as shared by her references. “I was shocked and felt bad for the references, who had to deal with this! I feel that rabbis should set some parameters for what is and isn’t appropriate to ask/say to references, so mothers shouldn’t say whatever they feel like and references aren’t forced to give a response. One mother called my friends and asked, on a scale of one-to-ten, how smart I am. This same mother put down all my friends and said, ‘You guys are really not great references; your answers are so typical!’ She made them all feel quite bad. She also asked about some personal info and when my friend responded, ‘I don’t know the answer,’ she said, ‘How could you not know this about her if you’re such good friends with her!?’ My friend told me that she is so nervous taking shidduch calls – and sometimes doesn’t – because she is afraid of being attacked. One mother even asked my friend to send her a full body picture of me! Obviously, my friend told her she can’t send it, but the fact that she had the audacity to make such a request is really crazy.”
- Fisher of Boro Park concurs. “Although I am by no means an expert in the field (I’m only 21!), I can attest that the shidduch questions being asked are meaningless and demeaning. If I tell the mother of a boy that a specific girl is smart, why does she then ask me ‘Is she over-smart?’ Why is the response to ‘She’s probably about 5’2” tall,’ ‘Oh, so you mean she’s under 5 feet?’ If I say a girl is outspoken, the mother wants to know if she’s brash, and if I say a girl is to the quieter end, the obvious assumption is that she’s socially awkward. When I give information, I am speaking honestly and sincerely. I should hope that’s the case for most other people. Why are people digging around like FBI investigators to discover lies that aren’t there? Why are we automatically assuming that everyone out there has borderline personality disorder?”
Getting Our Priorities Straight
As a therapist living on Moshav Matityahu, Batya Jacobs says she sees some of the fall-out from our shidduch system. “Shidduch profiles make it more of a cattle market than ever,” she says. “What’s needed is people who care and who know the people involved. Let’s tell the whole truth. We are not only allowed to when it comes to shidduchim, it is our obligation. Truth, caring, and taking the time to understand the young ones involved and helping them work out what they really want. Then we might have a useful system.”
Penina,* who lives in New York, thinks our shidduch system is atrocious – especially the sharing of singles’ photos. “By the time we got engaged, my husband thought I was gorgeous (and, b”H, he still does 20-plus years later – yes, his eyesight is declining!). He confesses that on our first date he thought there was something a little funny looking about me. Who knows if he would have agreed to meet me if he’d seen a picture first? (I am not photogenic.) We, who should be the least superficial – as frum Jews – are so, so superficial. Not just with looks, but the details we look at, as well.”
Miri Isaacs, of Lakewood, does not think resumes and too many questions is our downfall. “It’s only indicative of a deeper issue, and that is externals,” says Miri. “We place so much emphasis on externals! As though a hat can make a good spouse! A seminary, a job, a yeshiva, etc., are not what makes a good marriage. If you would interview divorcees you would have enough material to fill up a book about this, but it won’t get people to change the system.”
Hannah Heller gives us a glimpse of the “good old days.” Hannah met her husband, Todd, a”h, in 1979, while living in the same Upper West Side building in New York. He was a baal teshuva; she was frum from birth. “I often helped him with reading Hebrew, something that did not come easily to him,” shares Hannah. “While we were dating, one Orthodox woman said she thought the relationship was “too casual.” A friend of mine from seminary in Israel said, ‘I don’t know, Hannah, isn’t the guy supposed to know more than the girl?’ I am glad I didn’t listen to either of these people. We had almost 22 years together before his life was ended by cancer.”
According to Hannah, trying to meet one’s bashert exclusively through shidduch dating is limiting and, in addition, there are too many ridiculous questions that go around in the shidduch world. “Questions about a person’s middot (character traits) are all that matters,” says Hannah. “A person’s finances, weight, health, and life situation can change at any time. COVID-19 has shown us that we often have no control over our circumstances. What matters is not the person’s situation, but rather how they deal with it.”
Thinking Out-of-the-Box
Some of those I spoke to had ideas on how to alleviate the shidduch crisis.
Miriam Sidell, a volunteer shadchan in Baltimore, shares a few of her post-COVID “radical” ideas that might alleviate the “limitations of shidduch dating.”
“At every chasana there should be a shadchanto meet boys and girls after the chupa. The wedding invitation can include a small card inviting singles to submit their shidduch resumes to an email address beforehand. If the shadchancomes up with an idea, right then and there, the couple can meet (while they are dressed their best) for a first brief date. Obvious topic: ‘How do you know the chassan/kallah?’ If there is interest, the young people or their parents can do research.
“Also, those interested in hosting singles, can invite three or four “boys” and three or four “girls” for a Shabbos meal; planned topics will encourage lively discussions,” suggests Miriam. “If there is interest, a date can be facilitated. Another idea is having a pre-date phone call to plan the date together (the way it was 35 years ago!), or a Zoom first date to see if travel is worthwhile.”
Miriam’s husband remembers being at a Torah Umesorah convention about 43 years ago, at which he was set up right then and there, to take a walk with a girl. By contrast, Miriam has noticed these current trends: 1) The girls (not their parents) are more open to various types of boys; 2) the boys want to see a picture before they even do any research (how many girls look like their shidduch picture after having a couple of kids?); 3) many boys don’t want to travel because there are so many girls in the New York area, although, if they are plus and have not yet found their bashert, travel becomes worthwhile.
“I feel that a change of attitude in parents and singles is called for,” says Miriam. “First of all, the girls and their parents are very idealistic. They think that the best learning boy will make the best husband, when it is the person’s middos and a similar Torah outlook that are much more important. Also, many girls expect the boy to be as learned and polished as their fathers. They need to look for potential and a growth mindset, rather than expecting the boy to be a finished product,” she concludes.
Older Singles Should Meet
A single divorcee in her late-30s has ideas for this age group.
“I think a crucial missing component is exposure to older singles in their 30s, 40s, and beyond,” she says. “We keep our genders very segregated, but at a certain point, that should not be the case anymore. Shuls can have singles volunteer to help with their landscaping, set up events, conduct book clubs, and hold Torah classes for singles. These can be open to even non-members. Volunteer organizations can host singles for activities such as a food packaging. A kosher supermarket can facilitate singles meeting in a non-dating, non-pressured atmosphere by allowing them to voluntarily put together food packages for those experiencing financial difficulties.
“If such events occurred regularly, singles could get to see and know each other; they could ask each other out or have someone suggest it for them. If I met a great guy at such an event and discovered he had a learning disability or a limp or depression issues, if I really knew him and liked him, I would want to commit to him! I believe it’s not about resumes or whether the person is on medicine or not, or what sheitel the mother wears. It’s about do I know and like this person enough to want to live the rest of my life with him.”
The Downside of Money
One anonymous Israeli father addresses the fact that some people inquire how much money each side is offering. “Perhaps this needs to be reassessed,” he says. “While the goal may be to enable their son/son-in-law remain in learning as long as possible, do they realize that it does not end with a lump sum at the time of the wedding, or that a girl from a well-to-do family runs the risk of being ‘high maintenance,’ or that a family that gives a large sum may expect you to pay half of something that is way above your means?
“I can tell you that we did not look for any money (in fact the less the better) and found spouses for our children from families that share our goals and lifestyle. My children know that we and the mechutanim do not have a fortune, but they love working with us on how to get by on a budget, this includes finding furniture and electrical appliances that others are either giving away or selling second-hand at a low price. They know that we are always there for them, and when they come for Shabbos they are sent home with loads of goodies (meat, chicken, home-cooking, toys for the children, etc.). Having mechutanimon the same wavelength has been a pleasure. I realize the idea of supporting your child may be a noble idea, leshem Shamayim, but before people focus on that and turn down shidduchim because the other side cannot come up with a certain sum, I think they should realize that the lack of wealth is probably outweighed by the very positive aspects of having an average income.”
The Bottom Line
Dr. Yael Treitel, a Flatbush-based psychologist and shadchan, has also been asked “insane” questions about the singles she looks out for. Once, a parent inquired where the single’s grandparents were buried! “I think it is important to know that we are looking for perfect for youand not ‘perfect,’ says Dr. Treitel. “A lot with the singles I work with are looking for perfect, and that is where the disconnect comes in. I tell them, you are not perfect, therefore, your chassan or kallah will not be perfect either. I find that people are looking for the same, not complementary – for example, a Harvard student who feels he needs to marry a Columbia student.”
Regarding singles who discover a mental health issue, Yael advises, “Be aware that, sometimes, you are not going to know things until a third date. I can’t tell you it’s going to be okay for you, but I can tell you that when they are open and honest, it’s less of a red flag than if they are hiding it. I would be more comfortable with someone on medication who has grown from it and is now a stable adult than someone who is denying their problem and not going on medication.
“You would be surprised what medications people are on and what they are doing. I don’t think most references would know that. I would want to know the dosage as well as what happens when they go off the medication, whether it affects their life. If the person is open and honest and gives you their doctor’s number, this may be something you can work with. Don’t think it’s a bad thing. I think everyone has to choose for themselves what their threshold is. Everyone has something – most important is how they deal with the particular issue.” Dr. Treitel concludes, “I think a more open-minded person would have more dates, but Hakadosh Baruch Hu has your bashert – no matter what; that is not going to change.”
Binyamin Lieb of Ramat Beit Shemesh says, “Just because one can find out everything about a potential shidduch doesn’t mean that one should. Hashem is mezaveg zivugim; He pairs couples. Our efforts are hishtadlus, and we must only do what is valid and sensible. Finding out more than what is necessary to know about the person’s qualification for being a wife or husband, e.g., their kindness, patience, willingness to work together, etc., suggests that we think we need to outsmart Hashem, chas veshalom.
“Granted, there is an unfortunate phenomenon of parents covering up their children’s shortcomings so as not to spoil their shidduchim, and a parent/adviser does need to be aware of that and inquire accordingly and properly, by asking the right people in the right way. However, marriage is not the pairing of two perfect people but the coming together of two different individuals, each with his or her strengths and faults, who work together to serve Hashem as a couple. Honest singles could therefore decide for themselves whether they could make a marriage with the person with a particular shortcoming. Then, perhaps, we wouldn’t need to dig as deep as they do nowadays.”
Torontonian Ester Zirkind mentions, “All I look for in shidduchim for my children are two things: middos tovos and yiras Shamayim. Anything else is a nice extra. Without those two, you have nothing!!
R.I., from Bnai Brak, concludes, “I’ve married off 12 children. With the youngest, I had my interviewing skills down to an art form. Now that they are all happily married with their own families, I can admit that all my investigations were not worth the time and worry and anxiety I put into them. Every single one of my children discovered something after the marriage that I’d missed, and which would definitely have ended the shidduch before they met. Every single one! And you know what? I have the most wonderful sons/daughters-in-law and I wouldn’t change any of them. So, Hashem must surely be amused by our delusional efforts to control the lives and futures of our children. He listens to our prayers, and then makes a better choice than we ever could!”
