Dear Navidaters,
I’ve been dating my girl for almost two years now. We’ve gone through little rough parts in our relationship mostly due to our very different upbringings.
She’s had a yeshiva upbringing, whilst mine is more “harry” as she likes to call it. Baruch Hashem things are going very well for us now, and I really want to marry her ASAP.
I’ve actually wanted to marry her since the day I first met as my best friend’s little sister! This leads me to my next “problem.” I know it may seem very trivial and insignificant compared to the major issues I laid out in the start of this letter, but the truth is, this is why I first debriefed you of our background so that you know that I’ve been dealing with a lot of heavy stuff to keep my girl for this long.
I think my girl has some kind of eating disorder. Maybe its mild anorexia, I don’t even know. I hear that it’s normal for girls to be very into their body weight, but objectively speaking my girlfriend is drop dead gorgeous, with a perfect face and size zero body (She’s been told by Victoria’s Secret staff more than once and she dresses frum). So I can’t understand why she sometimes feels so insecure about herself. I myself work out a lot and am more or less careful with eating healthy. But it’s been bothering me for a while already that she’s a little obssessed. She doesn’t starve herself at all, but she’s tall and has an extremely flattering build that I personally think would look even better if she gained a little weight to a size 2. But if I mention it to her she gets this horrified (adorable) expression like stay out of this, this is a girl thing, and I’m not anorexic, I don’t force myself to throw up blah blah blah. And yes, I know that throwing up is bulimia. I love her, I love her with all my being and that’s why I’m so concerned. I want to take care of this before I marry her. I just keep thinking that iyH she’ll be married and pregnant and what then? If she moans to me over 1 or 2 pounds she gained how will she handle a baby inside her?? I’m only asking this because I care and I’m going to marry her either way, I just want to help her. Professional help is like sort of taboo for her. She’s emotionally healthy, happy and very frum and she’ll probably laugh at the idea and then eat a donut in my face to prove she could be normal. But even if this is normal in society I hate it and it makes me sick. How would you advise me to deal with this situation?
Thank you in advance,
So no shaychus guy
Dear
So No Shaychus Guy
,
Firstly, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge how much your love your girlfriend. It is clear to me that it is
love
that is the driving force of your reaching out for help.
Along with this deep love you have for her and admirable commitment to her, comes a great amount of confusion as to how to help the person you love. Your worries as I see them are twofold and both completely valid! First is your concern for your girlfriend. Her eating habits, behaviors around eating and her relationship with food and her body all have you worried about her well-being. Your second worry is about
yourself
and a
potential family together
. And, as you wrote, it is making you sick. You question how your girlfriend will be able to carry a baby, your potential child. You wonder, “if she moans to me over 1 or 2 lbs. she gained, how will she handle a baby inside her?” Our partner’s behaviors have an impact on us and certainly will have an impact on any future additions. Based on your perspective of the situation, I think your concern is a valid one. It is also important to note that due to the nature of an advice blog, we do not have the luxury of a back and forth exchange. The questions I pose are for you to consider and I am also aware that things I conjecture or say may be completely off the mark.
Without knowing your girlfriend I have no way of assessing the seriousness of the nature of her issue and whether or not she has mild anorexia, a poor self-esteem or if she is a “typical woman.” What does her “obsessiveness” look like, how are her “insecurities” manifested?
What I do have is your perspective. I have to mention that as a possibility she doesn’t have “mild anorexia” or obsessive tendencies or a poor body image; and that maybe she is just super healthy and fit. We all know someone who is forever munching on carrot sticks and regaling us with stories of last night’s salmon and broccoli dinner. There are many very thin, super healthy and super fit people out there who take great pride in their weight and appearance and are perfectly mentally and emotionally healthy. You also mention that she “does not starve herself at all.” I wonder what makes you concerned that she has mild anorexia, of which a key feature is severely limiting one’s caloric intake. Furthermore, sometimes the most beautiful women have the most insecurities, which is so hard for people to believe. Think about it for a minute… if you are always told how beautiful and perfect you are, after a while you may feel the need to live up to the feedback. You may become obsessed with it because that is the only thing people notice about you.
On the other hand, your perspective may be spot on and there may be something going on. Your intuition tells you there is more to the story.
I can’t say what is going on here because I have never met you or your girlfriend. I think it would be careless of me to do so. Out of curiosity: What do the women in her family look like? Are they all very thin? (Some people are naturally super thin and there is nothing they can do about it). What is the “food culture” in the family? What messages did she grow up with about food and looks? Answering these questions may help you better understand her outlook.
I want to bring to your attention something that struck me as I read your e-mail. Toward the end of your email you write “she’s emotionally healthy, happy etc.” On the other hand you wonder if she has “mild anorexia,” “feels so insecure about herself,” that she is “a little obsessed,” and you “wonder how she will handle a baby inside her (because of the weight gain)?) Emotional health and happiness are not synonymous with the words
you
chose to describe your girlfriend. I wonder if the whole situation has you kind of confused. When someone is saying one thing but their behaviors are telling us a different story, that would leave the best of us feeling kind of topsy-turvy.
I understand that you want to deal with this issue before you get married. Many people sweep their concerns under the rug with the hope or belief that things will change once they are married.
This desire tells me that you are a mature inpidual with his head on straight. (We need more people like you out there!) You worry about where this may be headed if it is not dealt with in the present. So…. What can you do? How would I advise you in this situation, you ask? You (and the general you as well, and me too!) must understand that we cannot change another person. We can love them, hug them, kiss them, put them on a pedestal; we can focus on their positive attributes, and remind them they are beautiful at any size. We can remind them that they are so much more than their looks. We can enourage them, beg them, cry, throw a hissy fit or buy them a diamond necklace. We can even ask them to go to therapy with us. But we can never change another person. NEVER. PERIOD. END OF STORY.
I want you to pay close attention to the next three sentences. In order for a person to change, that person must first
acknowledge
she has a problem. Second, she has to be
internally motivated
to make the change.
For some people, that internal motivation can be the strong desire to make a partner (boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife) happy.
This line of reasoning leads me to ask you the following question: Does your girlfriend know how concerned you are? When you try to mention the issue, from your description it sounds like she deflects. In other words, when you bring it up, she shoots you a horrified (albeit adorable) expression or may crack a joke like shoving a doughnut in her face. Both ploys get the job done.
It sounds like you haven’t been able to take the issue to a deeper level because she shuts it down with a joke or a look. You are left with this intuition that something is wrong and no clear answers. Does the problem lie with your perspective, with her self-image or maybe somewhere in between…. You two have not
yet
figured out how to effectively talk about this so that you both feel OK in the relationship and that is my main area of concern right now. I wonder how you have handled a difference of opinion in the past or other differences of opinion presently.
As I see it, you have two choices. The first is to continue on as is. Love her and accept her as she is, giving her oodles of positive feedback and try to manage your concerns on your own. Every couple has a “dance,”; a pattern of interactions that sustains the relationship. Your dance looks something like this: We are in love and I will marry this woman no matter what. I will bring it up from time to time. I will express my concern. She will try to get out of the conversation. She will obsess over her weight. I will tell her how beautiful she is and that she is perfect and she shouldn’t be insecure. I will wonder if she has mild anorexia. She will tell me she is a normal woman and that this is typical woman behavior. This is a cycle that will keep repeating itself if left alone.
OR, you can try to stop the dance which could look something like this: “There is something important we need to talk about it. I have tried in the past but I always felt like I was either hurting your feelings, which I never want to do, or you would make a cute joke and then I kind of drop the conversation after that. Can we try to have this conversation now? It would mean a lot to me.” There is no crystal ball or guarantee as to how this conversation will go. So, making choice #2 will take a lot of courage. As a general rule, The Navidaters promote honesty and communication. They are the building blocks of a healthy and solid foundation. If she insists she is fine and you are becoming more certain that she is not fine, you can encourage her to seek professional help. If she absolutely refuses, then your hands are tied and you will have to decide if you can/want to stay in this relationship. If it should turn out that your girlfriend is the happy, healthy woman you believe her to be, and her body concerns are of the typical kind most women have… welcome to living with a woman! Good luck! (I can say that because I
am
one).
I wish the two of you all the love in the world and I hope you find some resolution and peace of mind.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
If you have any questions or comments you would like to share with So No Shaychus Guy, please email us at thenavidaters@gmail.com and we will share them in our “response blog.”
The Navidaters are working with singles and couples on all matters related to dating and relationships. We offer dating skills coaching, date debriefing, inpidual and couples counseling and premarital counseling. Located in Lawrence, NY and available for office sessions, we offer phone and Skype sessions as well.
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