Dear Navidaters,
I know that people write in about such important subject matters, so I feel a little shallow writing in about my question. I do know that in the scheme of things it shouldn’t even matter to me, but it does and I want you to tell me, once and for all, whether I have a right to my feelings or not.
In most ways I’m a typical twenty year old. No skeletons in my closet. I come from a nice family. Gone to the right schools and camps and nothing in my resume should raise any concerns. People tell me that I’m very pretty – usually I hear the word “adorable.” I guess I’m seen that way because I’m very petite and very short. When someone asks me how tall I am, I tell them I’m five feet tall – but that’s not really true. I’ve never reached the five feet mark on my doctor’s measuring chart. I’m probably more like 4’11” or maybe, on a good day, 4’11 1/2″.
As soon as I started dating, every time a really short guy came up, people right away thought of me. I think I’ve gone out with every single short guy under 5’5″ in New York and beyond. I know I have no right discriminating against short people, since I’m one of them! And I don’t discriminate, it’s just that I’d like to be set up with someone over 5’5″ for a change. I don’t need or want a giant. Even someone 5’8″ would be great. But somehow no one thinks to set me up with such a guy.
I know that I see couples around where the husband is considerably taller than the wife and I think they look just fine together. My father is 5’9″ and I always thought it would be so nice to meet a man of a similar height. I recently mentioned this to a friend of mine and she thought I had a lot of nerve wanted to take a taller guy away from some girl out there who is a lot taller than me and absolutely needs a taller guy. She made me feel selfish! Am I selfish?
I feel embarrassed to even tell my parents and shadchanim that I don’t want to be set up anymore with anyone under 5’5″, but I feel so shallow saying such a thing. And I worry I’ll be judged badly and then I won’t be set up with anyone.
What are your thoughts on this subject? Do you think I have a right to put my feelings out there? I truly wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do find myself turned off to really short guys and also I worry that between me and a short guy, our kids would all be tiny! So what do you think?
Petite
Dear Petite,
First of all everyone has a right to their feelings. If we don’t honor our feelings and just push them aside, somehow, some day and in some way, they will surface. And when that happens, it’s usually not a pretty picture.
Most men and women have certain pet peeves that really turn them off. For some people it could be bad teeth, or red hair, or extreme hairiness. It’s just a feeling we get and a reaction we have to certain physical characteristics that generate a negative response. It’s usually a feeling that we can’t even help from having. It just occurs on some physical, primitive level within us. And to ignore it isn’t a great idea.
Even though you are the first to admit that you, yourself are on the short side, short men don’t do it for you. Perhaps because your father is on the taller side and that’s become your comfortable bench mark, But it sounds as though you have gone out with enough short men to know that this is not going to work for you and I think you have a right to your feelings and advise you to lean in toward honesty. No doubt there are many young men who have spelled out their personal wants to their own mothers and shadchanim.
Regarding your friend’s reaction and her intimating that you are selfish for hoping to marry a man someday who is not short, I think she is out of line and has no right to make you feel even a little guilty for sharing your feelings with her. I would guess that she too has certain preferences.
I’m glad you are being honest with yourself and I advise you to be honest with those who are responsible for setting you up. Be prepared, there will no doubt be some individuals who will decide to judge unfairly. And that will be a shame. But hopefully there will also be those kind and wise individuals who will understand what it’s like to feel attracted to a potential husband and capable of honoring your needs.
With “high” hopes, we wish you all the best!
The Navidaters,
Esther and Jennifer
516.224.7779
The Navidaters are working with singles, daters, engaged individuals and couples (and parents too!) If you have any questions or concerns, give us a call today! Visit us at www.thenavidaters.com to learn more!
