Dear Navidaters,
I am a 29 year old single woman. I started out like all my friends, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, excited about coming home from Israel and begin the dating process. I had no problem being set up. My family has a good name, are well connected and my resume left nothing to be criticized.
At first I didn’t take it all so seriously. I wasn’t one of those girls who had to be the first one engaged. At nineteen, I really didn’t even feel ready to be someone’s wife. Though I went out, it wasn’t a life or death event for me, like some of my friends approached it.
When the first few classmates and friends got engaged, it was exciting and the weddings were lots of fun. In those early days, I didn’t worry at all that I would be left in the dust. I knew I had plenty of time and had loads of confidence.
By the time I was turning twenty-two, I started getting a little nervous. Suddenly it seemed as though almost everyone was engaged. I was still being set up, but not as regularly and there would be longer and longer dry spells in between dates. I started thinking about some of the young men I rejected earlier on, for what now seemed like silly reasons. I wished I could turn back the clock and start all over again.
At this point, I’ve been dating for 10 years already, and I feel tarnished. I’m no longer as confident as I once was, and I started thinking that I would never find the perfect man. In fact, lately I had been lowering and lowering the bar, overlooking things (too bald, too fat, too introverted), that I wouldn’t have previously overlooked. But with all of that, I still haven’t been set up with anyone who I can see myself marrying.
Several months ago, on a Shabbos afternoon, I picked up my four year old nephew Ari and headed for the park to spend the afternoon there with him. Within minutes, Ari found an adorable little boy to play with and the two of them became best buddies. Eventually the friend’s father and I made our introductions and started to chat together. Turns out, this father was divorced and had full custody of his son.
When it was time to leave, the father, Ben, asked me if I would be interested in having coffee with him some day. I was taken off guard. I had never gone out with a divorced man, let alone a divorced man with a son. But Ben was absolutely irresistible. Adorable, great dimples, an honest conversationalist, easy to talk to and an incredible father. And so I agreed to meet him for coffee the following day.
We got to know one another and he explained how he wound up being a divorced man with a son. I respected him even more when I heard how honorably he handled a very horrendous situation.
O.K. enough background. I think I’ve fallen in love with Ben. I really adore him in every way. I’m afraid to tell my family about him. Except for my very best friend, I haven’t even told my other friends about him. I know how they will react. They will think I’m out of my mind, to consider marrying a divorced man with a child.
Certainly this is not what I expected for myself, but I’ve never gone out with anyone who I felt so strongly about in every way. There have been a few times over the past few years when someone called my mother about setting me up with a divorced man (no children), and she immediately shut it down. I think she would have a complete nervous breakdown if she heard about Ben.
My question is – what should I do? Am I crazy taking on the responsibility of a young child? (His mother is almost totally out of the picture.) And what about how my parents will react? And what about what my friends will say? It just all feels like it would be unbearable to deal with their criticism and disappointment. On the other hand, Ben is such a winner. I have the utmost respect for him and we have a wonderful time together. He makes me feel special. We get along so well and we are very respectful of one another.
Torn
Dear Torn,
Sometimes life happens when we aren’t even looking. Here you were so busy for so many years, playing by the rules, probably going through shadchanim, and somehow never having any success. And when you least suspected, along comes an amazing, responsible man, who makes you feel special, happy and content – like you’ve never felt before.
The way I see it, there are two distinctly different issues here. The first issue relates to the often hard to shake sense of “what will everyone say?” And the fear of not having everyone’s approval. Probably first and foremost you are concerned about your parents’ reaction. Have you ever asked your mother why she nixed previous shidduchim with divorced men? Was it for her sake or for yours? Is it possible that she just assumed you wouldn’t be interested? That’s possible.
Parents want what is considered the “best,” A list, top of the line perfect catch for their children. Why not? Might as well start off wishing for the world. But that doesn’t mean that your parents won’t and can’t readjust their expectations and look at the person rather than the labels. If Ben is even half as wonderful the man you describe, how can your parents not eventually come around and appreciate him the way you do? And be thrilled that you’ve finally met someone who makes you so happy? Reasonable people are able to adapt and accept new normals.
Regarding what friends or even acquaintances might have to say on the matter of you dating a divorced father of one…. if he truly has the ability to make you happy, should it matter? Ultimately, you must live your life, in this regard, for yourself. Not as a result of fearing cheap talk from individuals who are just interested in the latest gossip.
The second issue is the reality of stepping into a complicated situation. How carefully have you thought through the implications of, for all intent and purposes, becoming the mother of a four year old child that you didn’t give birth to? Will it be an easy transition for you? Will it be manageable? And what about ex-wife issues that often rear their ugly heads. It can sometimes get ugly. I’m not bringing all of this up because I don’t think it’s doable. With enough love and commitment, anything is doable. I just want to make sure that you are thinking this through very carefully and considering the baggage that will be included in this union.
If you decide to move forward with Ben and ultimately marry him, you will not be the first single woman to marry a divorced man with custody of his child. Many women have walked this road before you, and often with enormous success and fulfillment. There is no reason why this shouldn’t be a marriage made in heaven. But to reiterate, don’t let idle gossip or the fear of being different hold you back from what might be the love of your life.
Additionally, make sure you think about all of the nuances involved in taken on a ready-made family. If you have enough love inside of you to make this work, then you certainly have our blessings!
The Navidaters
Have you ever or are you currently dating a divorced person? Share your thoughts with us at thenavidaters@gmail.com As always, please write to us with all your dating and relationship questions.
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