Dear Navidaters,
I was married to Dov for less than two years. Everyone thought I landed the catch of the century. Good looking, smart, good family – everyone thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. What no one, (except for, I’m sure, his family) knew – was that Dov had terrible anger management issues and was capable of abusive behavior.
Once we were married, he right away changed his behavior toward me. He was very impatient and controlling. If I did anything wrong, even something silly, like forget to bring salt to the table, he would rage at me. Everything had to be perfect and even if it was perfect, he’d still find something to complain about.
I was confused about what to do. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, I just couldn’t imagine what people’s reactions would be if they heard that we were divorcing. I didn’t want to even tell my parents how awful he was because I didn’t want to upset them. They had been so excited about the shidduch, that I didn’t want to burst their balloon.
One day Dov just snapped. It wasn’t over anything serious. He was just angry at me for some silly reason and I finally answered him back and told him to cut it out and get a grip. The next thing I knew he pushed me against the wall, was in my face and grabbed my arm so tightly that it left a mark. His eyes were bulging and for a minute, I thought that he was going to seriously hurt me.
At that moment I knew I would leave him. I knew in my heart that his rages would just keep escalating and someday I would find myself seriously hurt. It didn’t matter anymore who would be upset, disappointed or surprised. I knew I had to get out and get far away from him.
O.K. – so all of that is just background. Here’s my real question. Dov still somehow has this amazing reputation. Honestly, I choose not to go around talking about him. I decided people would think what they wanted to think. I just wanted to start my own life and move forward.
But I’ve recently gotten two separate calls from women who were to be set up with him and they wanted to know if there was anything that they should know about Dov before going out with him.
I was caught off guard by the first call and not as much by the second call, but I still wasn’t certain how I should handle such a call. I wound up not being particularly honest with either of these women and I didn’t share the fact that he was verbally abusive and at the end, physically abusive. I just kind of said that we brought out the worst in one another and left it at that. As I’m writing this, it sounds as though I’m protecting him, which for the life of me, I can’t understand why I would do that. Unless I think by telling people how awful he was would reflect badly on me as well, for marrying such a man.
I’ve been feeling very guilty over keeping this information secret from these two women and I’m starting to regret what I did. I’ve spoken to various people who told me I did the right thing, but I’m not so sure.
Right now people are setting me up and honestly, if someone knows something specific about a person I’m going to be set up with, that is a deal breaker, I would want to know about it up front. Which leads me to think that if another woman can save me from making another horrible mistake in the future, shouldn’t I take the same responsibility and save another woman from my former fate?
So I’m wondering whether you feel that if I should get more calls in the future, asking me specific questions about Dov , which somehow I think is likely to happen, I should be honest with them about why I left Dov and share with them the fact that he has a very serious anger management issue. Or do you think that it is somehow wrong to tell others the truth about what Dov is all about?
A Keeper of Secrets
Dear Keeper,
I’m quite certain that somewhere in your question is a halachic piece that I am neither capable nor interested in addressing. So let me firstly be clear that if you are looking for some kind of insight in that regard, I’m the wrong person to talk to.
However, having said that, I will address this from a practical perspective, which I can do with confidence. It begins with my belief that we are all our brother’s keepers and it is incumbent upon all of us to care about one another and protect each other. And when opportunities arise that put us in a position to affect another person’s life in a meaningful way, it is important that we rise to the occasion.
Furthermore, there are times when women somehow feel as though they are getting the short end of the stick and therefore need additional care and protection. Though I don’t want to make this a feminist issue and I am far from a feminist, in issues of marriage, divorce and remarriage, some people might say that it’s a man’s world.
All of this preamble is leading to the answer that I feel compelled to give you. I absolutely feel it is not only the right thing to do to share with women who are asking you specifically about Dov’s personality, what your experience was, but it is your duty to share what you know.
It sounds as though Dov is charming enough to trick another innocent young woman into marriage easily enough. If this woman happens to be your sister, your daughter or your best friend, wouldn’t you want them to get a heads up regarding Dov’s issues and then decide for themselves whether they want to take a risk on dating him? I would imagine so.
Now, in order for you to respond in a way that doesn’t reek of “scorned X-wife,” or “a woman out for revenge,” or even someone bent on destroying Dov’s reputation, there is a gentle way you could have responding to the previous callers or can respond to future callers who may call you, inquiring about Dov. It would go something like this, “When Dov and I were married, he had terrible anger issues that resulted in abuse. I don’t know whether or not he’s gone for help and whether today he is a changed man.” Keep it simple and to the point.
You don’t have to go into any specific details – it’s really not necessary. But with such a response, anyone interested in being responsible will hear your message and act on it, if they so choose. At that point, you know you’ve done your duty and the rest is up to them. Should you hear some day that Dov remarried and the second marriage ended in divorce, you’ll have no regrets because you will know in your heart that you did all you could do to warn the next innocent victim (assuming he hasn’t gone for help and subsequently changed).
There is a theme here that applies to various situations we sometimes find ourselves in. Occasionally, we hold information that is relevant and potentially hurtful to another human being. It’s a difficult spot to be in. We don’t ask to be put in that position. And it’s all too easy to take the path of least resistance and decide not to get involved for one reason or another. Frankly, most people would probably take a pass when it comes to getting involved in other people’s business. But from a humanistic perspective, that doesn’t make it right. If we have the power to protect even one person from harm’s way, and we give up that power and allow that person to fall into harm’s way as a result, it’s an unnecessary waste of human potential.
The Navidaters 516-224-7779
