Dear Shadchan
Last night I went out with a guy who is not for me. He is too talkative, lacked warmth and we didnβt have much in common. Overall I can tell he is a good and pleasant person, but he isnβt what Iβm looking for. I told him that he isnβt a match for me. He texted me later asking what he could do better in the future. Heβs a growth-oriented person and wants to know if there is anything in particular he needs to work on. Here are my questions:
- Is it appropriate for me to be honest and tell him why he isnβt for me? If yes, how should I reply?
- What are things people should try to improve on after having a series of unsuccessful dates and what things should be left alone?
- Should I ask him if there is anything I can improve on? I wonder if itβs only fair to let him give me feedback too.
Sincerely,
Not for me
Dear Not for me,
I like that you articulated why he isnβt for you. You gave a few specific reasons that identify differences between the two of you that make you incompatible. One of the most important things you said was that you donβt have much in common. It sounds like you arenβt similar, yet you arenβt opposites either. You are just two different, good people who ended up on a date. While itβs nice to date a good person, itβs wise not to continue dating a good person with whom you donβt share a baseline of commonalities.
You asked three great questions. Letβs talk about them one at a time.
Q: Is it appropriate for me to be honest and tell him why he isnβt for me? I donβt mind that he asked, I just want to know if and how I should reply.
A: Letβs clarify. He asked if there was anything he could do better in the future when on a date. Telling him why he isnβt for you is specific to you, not him. He is asking a question relative to him.
Was there a flaw in his dating technique? You mentioned that he is a good guy and a pleasant person but just isnβt for you. Off the bat Iβd say itβs not his technique that you arenβt drawn to; itβs his personality in addition to a lack of things in common that was not for you, not his character traits or social graces.
If you do want to share something, how you say it is crucial. After mentioning that it was nothing he did so he is aware that itβs not an inherent flaw but simply an incompatibility, you can share what you are looking for and why you honestly said no. Letting him know that you can see that you are both good people, just not compatible, confirms he has much to offer to a date.
As for your other reasons, you can share that you are looking for someone who you share more common interests and life goals. Itβs always good to sandwich information that isnβt so nice to hear with pleasant comments. So start off by saying you two are good people, just not compatible. Move on to the specifics of why and end with a reminder that although you two werenβt the right fit you know heβs a good guy. Giving over information in this way isnβt only good for him to hear — itβs the right way to develop good habits of speech.
Q: What are things people should try to improve on after having a series of unsuccessful dates and what things should be left alone?
A: The number one thing to improve is who you choose to date. Iβm of the philosophy that we are all works in progress. Over the course of time people grow and change, both naturally and with great effort. If there is one thing you can count on, itβs that you wonβt be the same person 10 years from now. If you personally see a major flaw or several people you know and trust tell you there is something big you need to work on, work on it. If youβve had a series of unsuccessful dates, Iβd prefer you look at who you are choosing to date first and then afterwards see if you need to make an improvement. See if you are choosing the right type of person to match who you are today. If you are dating people who donβt match who you are today, it doesn’t matter in what ways and how much you improve — you still won’t match.
Q: Should I ask him if there is anything I can improve on? I wonder if itβs only fair to let him give me feedback too.
Do you really want to hear his suggestions? Do you trust his advice? If you think you will value his input, then it may be worth asking. However, you risk dragging on a post-date conversation which may not be healthy. Sometimes itβs best to be short, sweet and cut contact with dates that didnβt work out. This is not a matter of being fair.
May your inner wisdom guide you and may you have the right words at the right time.
Dear readers, I’d love to hear your opinion. Has this ever happened to you? How would you reply if you received a question like this?
Source: Aish.com