Look out for these common mistakes to prevent broken engagements, heartbreak and divorce.
No one gets married thinking they are going to get divorced. Almost all relationships start off feeling good and right. Yet so many of them fail and end up in heartbreak. How do you prevent that?
In the first article of this seriesΒ I discussed the importance of putting certain boundaries in place to ensure objectivity in dating. The heart has blind spots. Sometimes we donβt see who weβre with until itβs too late. Here are some dangerous yet common belief systems that if go unchecked can lead to disastrous results.
Is the way the relationship is right now the way you want to feel for the rest of your life?
The beginning of the relationship is usually the most fun, easy and romantic. You need that foundation to carry you later when things get harder and there are more distractions and responsibilities. If youβre dating someone and itβs often upsetting, frustrating, or difficult, youβre setting yourself up for failure. Donβt hold on to the βif onlyβ¦ thenβ formula (if only he did or had X, then he would see how good I am for him, or if only I did X then I could make her happy).
If you donβt feel the way you want to feel now, good chance you wonβt later.
If you donβt feel the way you want to feel now, good chance you wonβt later. You have to go by how the relationship is now.
Donβt assume that because youβre willing to work on yourself, your partner is too.
It takes a certain humility and openness to work on yourself and problems that come up, and not everyone has it. Some people would continue to suffer through something, or keep distracting themselves from it, rather than make their life better by recognizing it and working on it. So if you want a relationship that can grow and improve, and youβre willing to do what it takes to get there, make sure your partner is too.
Look for examples that demonstrate that opennessΒ now, in order to know that they will be willing to grow later. Your partnerβs present actions are always the best indicator.
Know the difference between working on yourself and needing to be a different person.
Be careful if a person has complaints regarding you and your reaction is, βIβll work on itβ, or you have things that are hard for you to accept about your partner but you expect him or her to work on it. You will marry a flawed person, but itβs important to see that you canΒ put upΒ with those flaws rather than expect them to change. Make sure that what you think means βworking on yourselfβ doesnβt mean βbecome a different personβ for your partner. Thatβs a recipe for disaster.
And be careful with the things you say you can put up with. Because after you get married, even when itβs to the right person, you will be presented with many things for you to work on, and things you will have to put up with in the other person. Itβs impossible to see all those things beforehand. So any list you have of those things going into a marriage should be pretty short and not too complicated.
You canβt love someone to health.
You sense someone is wounded. You see their potential and believe in them. You know with love and acceptance they will flourish. Sometimes it might even be true, but you donβt want to be that person.
Women to men: IfΒ youΒ become that person, youΒ willΒ develop a bondβ¦ but he wonβt want to marry you. He will appreciate your care and attention, want to have you in his life, but he wonβt feel a romantic attraction to you. A man only feels a romantic connection with someone he feels good about himself around. If he needs you, he canβt feel good around you. Instead you become his mother figure and create a parent-child dynamic with him.
Men to women: She will enjoy the stability you provide for her but if she doesnβt do the hard, consistent work of changing on her own, she may thrive on drama. The love and care you give her may not be reciprocated and you will always be at the whim of her moods.
You will have much more success with a peer, someone who will be your partner and you can grow with, a relationship where you can both help and be there for each other.
For the relationship to become a happy, healthy, lasting marriage, itβs important to tune in to the dynamic between the two of you to see if itβs healthy enough to go the distance.
Click here to read βAvoid These Common Dating Mistakesβ