Experts share strategies for dating during the pandemic.
Covid-19 has changed the way we work, shop, learn, and socialize; it’s also changed the way couples date. Thanks to the pandemic, meeting people and getting to know them is harder than ever.
βItβs a tricky timeβ¦you have to be creative,β explains Nina Siegal, a ChicagoΒ shadchan, or matchmaker, whoβs helped couples connect in new ways over the past few months. Here are some of her strategies β as well as suggestions and advice from other matchmakers and dating coaches β about how to find love during the pandemic and beyond.
Donβt be afraid to date.
Ms. Siegel works for the Chicago-area Jewish matchmaking organizationΒ Simcha LinkΒ and wants singles to know that despite the limitations on life right now, dating hasnβt stopped. In fact, she and her fellow matchmakers have seen an increase in the number of successful matches theyβve made during the pandemic.
When the pandemic first hit in March, Ms. Siegal recalls feeling overwhelmed: how would dating work? She couldnβt imagine couples having the energy or opportunity to meet. Yet one by one, couples she set up started finding love. Even some older singles sheβd been working with for a long time have found their bashert during the pandemic. βWhat Iβve learned in this whole time is that God runs the world. When two people are meant to find each other, they will β whether thereβs a pandemic going on or not.”
Get creative!
βDon’t put your dating life on hold β that will only add to your stress and anxiety,β explainsΒ Lori Salkin, a popular dating coach in Philadelphia and a senior matchmaker at the Jewish dating siteΒ Saw You at Sinai. Singles should continue to reach out and look for love β but she acknowledges that there are some challenges right now, and the dating scene is undergoing some major changes.
The old date standbys of going out to dinner or to a show or even to an indoor cafe are no longer options β and that might have some upsides, she notes. βWhen somebody wines and dines you, it’s so easy to fall for them.β In todayβs new dating world, dates are more stripped down, and that can be valuable.
βPeople have to be really creative with their dates,β explains Hilary Kahn, a Chicago matchmaker and dating coach. During the pandemic, Mrs. Kahn has seen couples plan dates that were out of the box and very fun. “One couple drove to meet each other and they opened the backs of their cars, and they each sat in their open trunk. He brought drinks and sushi, and they sat and shmoozed β it was great.β
Games are another fun way to connect outdoors. βBring something to play,β Mrs. Kahn suggests β or photos or articles youβd like to discuss. βCome a little more prepared because there arenβt as many activity dates that are possible these days,β she suggests. One couple met outside and brought paints and canvasses and painted together for a date. Another couple β who recently got engaged β planned one memorable date around a friendβs fire pit, where they roasted marshmallows and listened to music outside. Hiking and playing games together are other popular dating choices right now, she notes.
βFind your best friend.β
Lori Salkin advises clients to look for a best friend β and then marry them. Ironically, sheβs found, dating during the pandemic has helped some couples focus on whatβs truly important in others. Instead of focusing on the date itself, the often uncomfortable nature of dating during a pandemic forces singles to focus on their conversation and on each other, instead of enjoying the date activity. βToday’s dates are clearly focused on trying to get to know people,” she notes.β
Ms. Salkin advises couples to spend their valuable date timeΒ asking lots of questions.Β βFind similar interests,β she advises. βDonβt hesitate to take out your phone and say I found this great article want to see it? Want to see my nieces and nephews? Go off on tangents. Think of our best friends β the first time we met them we probably didnβt love them β but we found something we connected on, we and built on that.β
Virtual Dating
Another way to connect with people amid the pandemic is through online apps. βWe have this technology available today, itβs really a gift from God, allowing people to connect in this way,β explains Yaffa Berger Palti, a dating coach and matchmaker in Miami.
Sheβs seen screen-based dates that worked as well as in person meetings: βYour personality can still come through in a facetime call,β sheβs found. One hurdle that many couples need to get out of the way first is the awkwardness of meeting online. βTalk about awkwardness of virtual date immediately β make a joke about it,β she advises. Once both parties have joked about the strangeness of dating online, meeting virtually can begin to feel real and natural. βThings are only weird when you make them weird,β Mrs. Palti explains. βDecide that this is normal now.β
Dating virtuallyΒ has the added benefit of giving couples a chance to talk and get to know each other without distractions. Mrs. Palti suggests that people prepare for a date on Zoom or other online platforms just as if they were getting ready for an in-person date: dress up in something nice. Make sure your screen background is neat and doesnβt show anything youβd rather not be visible. She suggests investing in good lighting and propping up your phone or computer at eye level for a more attractive view.
Mrs. Palti also encourages couples to treat virtual dates more like real-life events, complete with distractions and tangents. βIt doesnβt need to be only conversation,β she explains. Learn how to screenshare, and then show your date funny videos or pictures. βShare photos or Instagram stories β watch a video together, then discuss it. You can have fun together: virtual dating doesnβt need to be draggy and boring, it can be super funβ and more natural feeling, as you both discuss items that you share on screen that can lead to new conversation topics.
Explore new ways to meet people
With so many dating and meeting venues closed right now, singles are having to be more creative in ways they connect. βYou have to boost your chances,β explains Hilary Kahn, who suggests using dating sites and even reaching out to professional matchmakers like herself. Sites sheβs seen work for Jewish singles includeΒ J Retro MatchΒ andΒ Shabbat.com, which has space to put up dating profiles.
She suggests that singles explore Jewish professional networks and speed dating events, some of which are currently taking place online. βReach out to organizations that are helping singles meet each other. Donβt wait for people to remember you and set you up.” For people whose work or school has become fully remote, relocating to an area with a larger Jewish community might be an option, as well.
βMy phone has been ringing off the hook β Iβve never experienced this before,β notes Lori Salkin. βPeople are turning to matchmakers during the pandemic.” She also suggests joining Facebook pages dedicated to Jewish singles in your area.
Nina Siegel tells clients to remember that everyone is a potential source of a great date. βPeople donβt always know that someoneβs available. Reach out to local synagogues, to local rabbis. Thereβs always somebody who knows somebody.β This can be awkward, but Ms. Siegelβs seen reaching out to others lead to personal growth in many singles. βYou have to step out of your comfort zone β thatβs when you find our strengths and talents,β she explains. Asking people to help set you up can feel awkward, but it often produces results.
Donβt wait for this to pass.
βThere are people who arenβt dating and are waiting for this to pass,β notes Yaffa Berger Palti. Thatβs a mistake: βDonβt be afraid to date.β Even though life is so difficult right now, we still have to find ways to live β and that means looking for ways to date, even during the pandemic.
Try reminding yourself that there are some good things going on right now, too. βAmid all the bad, thereβs so much thatβs beautiful,β explains Nina Siegel. βHow lucky are we that we have technology that lets us talk to people across the world right now?β She suggests using the technology thatβs available to us β and going out on as many in person dates as we can, too, while maintaining social distancing.
Yes dating is difficult right now, but there are ways to make it work. Each person has a bashert, a person they are meant to marry. As Ms Siegel reminds her clients: when itβs meant to be, God will make it happen.