Dear Navidaters,
Five years ago I dated a man named Elie for about five months. At the time I was 20 years old and he was 22 years old. We were both young and immature. Anyway, though I found him attractive, smart and fun to be with, I never felt as though I had his full attention.
It was more a feeling than anything else, but it always seemed to me as though he was busy looking around the room and of course my thought was that he was trying to see if there was a prettier girl sitting somewhere other than right across from him. Maybe I was a bit too insecure, but later on my feelings were validated to some degree since he was the one who broke off our dating.
He never really gave me a good reason for not calling me anymore and I did take it badly. For a while there, I felt actual hatred toward him for dragging me along for so long and then dumping me with no explanation. Since that time, I’ve dated many other men. I have some good memories and some bad ones of other men who I felt did not treat me very well. I am a veteran dater and feel like I’ve got scars to show for it.
Anyway, last night I was at a friend’s wedding and bumped into Elie, looking all handsome, mature and friendly. Of course we both recognized one another and spent a significant amount of time talking together. I remembered why I was so attracted to him at one point, but also why I felt such ugly feelings toward him as well. Obviously, he is still single as am I, and we actually had a very nice time chatting together.
Elie asked me for my phone number and I reflexively gave it to him, without giving it much thought. I just got off the phone with my sister and told her that I bumped into Elie and gave him my number. If we were together in person, I think my sister would have strangled me! She told me I was nuts to give him my number and reminded me how he left me feeling so badly about myself. She jogged my memory about the months (yes, literally months), that I cried about what happened and how he left me feeling unwanted. And then my sister said that if I ever go out with him again, she’ll stop talking to me! I’m sure that was an exaggeration, but I think she wanted to make a very strong point.
I hear where my sister is coming from, but as I’m sitting here thinking about Elie’s adorable smile, and great personality and start thinking about some of the “winners” I’ve been going out with lately, I’m wondering whether my sister is overreacting and whether I should give Elie a chance. After all, we were both very young back then, very immature, and isn’t there the possibility that Elie has grown? I know I have, so why couldn’t he have?
I decided to give The Navidaters a shout out and listen to your advice before making any moves I might regret.
Undecided
Dear Undecided,
Sounds like you have a very protective sister who cares about you enormously. No doubt her intentions are honorable, but that doesn’t mean she is necessarily right…. or wrong. Whatever you decide, it shouldn’t be based on her knee jerk reaction. Though she probably remembers putting lots of energy into helping you recover from the pain of Elie’s rejection and probably does not want to see you hurt ever again, she may not be leaving any room for the often unpredictable side of life.
I agree that a lot could happen from the ages of 20 – 25. Those formative years are filled with all sorts of major growth opportunities. It’s often during that time that we are seriously embarking on our careers, setting the stage for our future. We are also most definitely moving away from our youth and taking on the responsibilities of full fledge adults, often becoming self-sufficient for the first time in our lives and finally cutting the apron strings with our parents. And we are usually busy dating and/or actually getting married during that time, a process that allows us to grow and learn much about ourselves in the process.
The Elie of today could very possibly be totally different than the Elie of five years ago and for that reason alone, I think it is incumbent upon you to check him out and see whether he has matured into a man you could take seriously. Even over coffee, you will know quickly whether he is still on the prowl, gazing around the room and unfocused on you. You will also glean how serious he is about getting into a committed relationship or not. Therefore, you won’t have to waste too much of your time, like you did last time around, exploring if there is anything worthwhile to work with.
I do want to point out one thing that you wrote in your question that leaves me feeling a bit curious and concerned. You wrote that you found Elie “attractive, smart and fun.” Those are certainly terrific qualities that most of us would like to find in our mate. However, I wonder why there was no mention of qualities such as “sensitive, caring, kind, etc.” You get the picture. I want to make sure that you are looking for qualities in a man that are sustainable, meaningful and the foundation for a solid relationship and happy marriage.
So on this next “go-around” with Elie, please try to look past the great smile, and discern what is going on underneath. Ultimately, it’s what’s on the inside that will tell the true story.
Wishing you all the best,
The Navidaters
516.224.7779
thenavidaters.com
