Rachel Burnham: What I Wish I Knew About Getting Over A Breakup

What I Wish I Knew About Getting Over Breakups

I Just Got Dropped and it Really Hurts

The voice at the other end of the phone was strained, really strained.

I thought she was in a great place. She used to be.

“We’ve been dating for 3 months! We had so much in common, great chemistry, attraction, respect, common goals and values, and you know I was already planning the perfect proposal.

Just hung up from the worst phone call of my life. All she kept saying was ‘I can’t, I can’t do it.’

I’m way beyond heartbroken. I don’t understand it! How am I going to get her out of my mind??

I feel rejected, depressed, hurt and unable to move forward. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

Where do I go from here?”

Breakup Blues are Super Rough and Super Normal

There are few emotional pains in life as great as the loss of a meaningful relationship.

It hits to the core of who we are and often shakes our inner equilibrium to what we may think is the point of no return.

A breakup can trigger a cascade of chemicals in the brain that make it even worse.  Loneliness, depression, and loss  of self worth are all super common, especially if you are convinced you are meant to be with this person.

If you’re experiencing this, you aren’t crazy, you’re in distress.

Thankfully it IS possible to recover.

Seven Relationship Recovery Tips

  1. Accept and Move On: The first impulse after such a loss is to try and reconcile differences, see if you can somehow tie it all back together.

    I can understand where this is coming from, although I don’t recommend it.

    It comes across as desperate and insecure and almost never leads to a successful reunion. Your ex has likely moved on and is not looking to work things out.

    Don’t allow this relationship to consume any more of the vitality, self worth, and emotion you’ll need to build the life you are meant to live.

  2. Mourn: Call out the pain. Tease out that pain. Then, get it out of your system.

    If you don’t put those feelings away, they’ll stay there on your emotional front window making it that much harder to move on.

    Mourning loss in a healthy way is a valuable life skill. Things go south all the time, Sometimes way south. If you develop the ability to recover and repair, you’ll not only live with more peace of mind, you’ll also be able to take more risks with confidence.

  3. Take a Strong Dose of Self Esteem: Knowing that you are valuable with or without any person, job, or accomplishment is one of the most critical components of your inner world

    There will always be ups and downs. There will always be people who build you up and those who tear you down.

    The greatest gift you can give yourself is the development of a healthy self worth to remain strong and confident through it all.

  4. Be Thankful: Hard as it may seem, you should be thankful that the relationship has ended.

    Breakups beyond your control is G-d’s way of signaling that this was the wrong one or wrong time. Forcing a relationship that’s not meant to be will not create happiness.

  5. Go Where You’re Wanted: It’s human nature to chase what we can’t have.

    All advertising is built on making what we don’t have seem as attractive and as necessary as possible. They tap into a deep human striving for more, the source of which is our infinite soul.

    You can wish for a new car, more exotic vacations, or an idealized relationship but this is a story that never ends. There will always be nicer cars, more luxurious vacations, and a relationship that seems more perfect.

    You’ll get better results with a man/woman who truly values who you are and what you offer without having to be convinced, coerced or chased.

    In dating, moving your standards beyond the opportunities to which you have access delivers frustration, rejection and feelings of unworthiness. It robs you of time and emotional energy.

    Reality may not seem as glamorous as some relationship fantasy, but it’s only in that space that you’ll be valued, respected, appreciated, and loved as you are.

  6. Learn from Your Mistakes: Analyze what did and did not work in this relationship so that you don’t repeat mistakes of the past.

    Most of us have experienced unhealthy relationship patterns. No family or community is perfect, and we subconsciously absorb what’s around us – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

    When dating, we might intentionally seek out an unhealthy relationship because it brings a sense of familiar comfort. While that might seem strange, it’s been validated by a lot of repeated research.

    A great practice to adopt in dating is to jot down notes after every relationship ends on what went well, what was off, and how you can do better in the future.

    No need to write a megillah (unless that helps you process). Just a few notes will be plenty enough to help you for the future. If it doesn’t take much effort on your part you’re much more likely to do it consistently.

  7. Get Back Out There! We can be our own biggest barrier to moving forward after a relationship goes off the rails.

    There are a lot of solid sounding excuses that can be made for taking an extended dating break after a breakup.

    By all means, take some time to heal,  but then get out there and make it happen! Taking any time beyond what you absolutely need, is time you won’t be able to spend with your lifelong spouse. The more time you wait, the harder it is to get back into the game.

    Your ability to lean into the discomfort of starting again is an attractive trait to the people you’ll meet, and a great way to jump start your pursuit to find and marry your children’s other parent.

Don’t Let Anybody Own Your Future. Anybody!

If you allow yourself to become powerless from a break up, you’re allowing a healthy and well intentioned past to become an unhealthy and unproductive thief of your future.

Your ex may have taken your past, but don’t let them steal your future.

Own your past. Learn from it. Own your future. Lean into it.

Breakups are really rough. They’re also unavoidable for most people. With preparation you’ll pull through faster than you think and make the journey to your longest relationship that much shorter.

With 14 years of personal dating experience, including hundreds of men and thousands of dates, Rachel’s highly actionable coaching comes directly from the trenches. Get clarity and traction in your dating today with a free consultation at rachel@d8gr8.com or 90-D8GR8 NOW (903) 847-8669. Find out more at d8gr8.com.