FROM THE MAILBAG: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Why Are Guys Stuck With The Dating Bills?

I would like to write about a topic that has been on a mind for a while. The reason I speak up now, is because I have just recently gone through this experience firsthand, which only caused me to believe in my point more strongly.

I’m referring to the costly expense of dating. As a 25 year old frum bachur, I am navigating the path of shidduchim like so many others. What many people don’t think about, is that if you don’t find your bashert relatively quickly, the cost of your dating life begins to accumulate quickly. While it is definitely a necessary expense, it can become rather difficult to bear. For many people, their parents will bear the cost. In my case, as I am a “working boy”, the cost is mine to bear. In either case, the financial strain lands on somebody.

To be clear, I am the last one to suggest reforming the system, as far as the expectations of the dating experience a bachur is expected to provide. I surely believe that one should entertain a shidduch prospect in a manner that shows respect. Of course it is also up to each individual to make sure that they aren’t going above their means. There are definitely solutions to going on respectable dates without breaking the bank every time. Nonetheless, after dating multiple girls, the cost inevitably begins to rise.

I personally just finished a parsha, during which I dated someone for 7 weeks. While I completely trust the Yad Hashem in all situations, the financial burden is definitely felt. Therefore my question to all of you is, why does the dating cost belong to the boy alone? I understand that it should be the boy’s responsibility to be the “man in the relationship”. This can include things like deciding where to go, driving, providing conversation etc. But as far as the money involved, aren’t the boy and girl in this investment together? Don’t they both have the same goal here? When the investment doesn’t lead to fruition, why is the boy the one that must swallow the cost of that?

I would appreciate some input from the community on this issue.

7 COMMENTS

  1. This post made me laugh!

    She needs to get a manicure ($12 weekly)
    Hair done($15 at least every friends wedding)
    Eyebrows done($40 every six weeks)
    Makeup ($70-$80 every few months)
    Decent (i.e. not “nebby”) clothes ($lets just say you don’t want to know)
    just so that the shadchan will say she is “put together” and she will merit a second glance. Boys and their mothers are expecting incredible standards and every girl I know is feeling the pressure.

    GET OVER THE IT!

  2. I wholeheartedly agree with anonymous in the first post and I would like to add that it is the girl who has to pay upwards of $150 just to meet a shadchan who might potentially set her up, while the boys have the shadchanim running after them for free. As I did this a few times, I can tell you that the expense adds up very quickly and most of the time it is hard for the shadchan to even get a date for a girl, even after she pays. Be a gentleman, consider this a worthy investment in your future. Trust me, your wife will appreciate it.

  3. Out of town girls need to spend an exorbitant amount of time and money to drive or fly to Lakewood for a first date which has become expected and the norm in yeshivish circles. When you factor in taking off work for a few days, cost of last minute tickets, car service to and airports that can be two hours away from Lakewood (ex:La Guardia), food..etc. We are happy to do this as an investment to get married- the cost of the actual dating venue is yours.
    Hatzlacha and may Hashem send you your zivug b’karov

  4. Not only did I find this post deeply misogynistic, but I also found it to be overwhelmingly self-centered. The post neglects to consider the girls perspective at all. Forget the emotional cost, but financially, the girl often comes out worse for the wear. Buy her a cup of coffee. You’ll be okay.

  5. I feel like the author has completely missed the mark on this and he really needs to rethink his dating and wanting to great married. There are so many financial burdens on a girl as well. How about money spent on all the clothing she wears, hair, makeup. Price of seeing shadchanim? Unfortunately the dating world is a very pro male world and if you can complain about the costs of taking a girl out you have totally missed the boat. No one says you have to go to la marei or other expensive places. If you are looking to spend less on dates, do some research and get creative on what to do but don’t try to put the burden on the girl. Every penny you spend should be looked at as if it is bringing you closer to your bashert and not as this is so expensive. There are many expenses in life such as tuition, tom tov costs etc. perhaps you should look at the dating expenses as a way of preparing you for many bigger expenses that will come which may seem “unfair” as well.

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