Dear Mordechai,
One year ago today I found out that my husband lied to me. I don’t want to talk about the details, but he lied. I really didn’t think we were going to make it. I had such anger, even hatred for him. I couldn’t believe that he would do this to me and to our children. I felt so betrayed. After a while, we were able to get back on track. But I still struggle with forgiving him. I just can’t forget what he did. It’s so painful. It’s not like it’s all I think about. We’re doing much better and we do spend nice time together. But I just feel I haven’t completely forgiven him and I don’t know why or how to do it. Can you help?
Miriam B.
I’ve always preached that forgiveness is a pillar to any good marriage. It’s absolutely necessary. It’s not possible to live so close to someone for so long without making mistakes and hurting them, sometimes making big mistakes and hurting them badly. If that’s the case (and it always is) then each spouse simply must be committed to forgiving the other if the marriage is going to succeed.
And that’s true of any marriage. People mistakenly think that they’ll be better off moving on to a new relationship where they can start with a clean slate. But soon enough, that slate won’t be clean either.
Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not suggesting that it’s okay for people to err. And I’m not absolving the sinner of their responsibility. Nonetheless, when a couple is together for many years, you will get hurt, and therefore, if your marriage is going to succeed, you must learn to forgive. And of course, when the roles are reversed (and they will be), you’ll need your spouse to forgive you too.
When you first learned about forgiveness from your parents, it probably sounded something like this: “You have to learn to forgive and forget.”
Somewhere along the way, these two acts, forgiving and forgetting, got lumped into one. The expression “forgive and forget” assumes that these two acts go hand in hand. It suggests that they can be accomplished simultaneously.
But is that true? Do forgiving and forgetting go together? Are they the same? Do they go hand in hand? Can they occur simultaneously?
Let’s take a closer look.
To forgive is a verb. It’s NOT only a thought or a feeling. It’s an action too, something you do.
The word “forgive” offers a clue into its deepest meaning and an indication of what the verb “forgive” looks like in action. Look at the word forgive…for-give, in other words, to GIVE as you did BEFORE. And that’s what it really means to forgive someone, to not hold the offence against them and to treat them as you treated them before they erred. That’s what forgiveness looks like, that’s the act of forgiveness.
Notice that the definition above does not say anything about thoughts or feelings. Again, forgiving is also an act. And it’s possible to do the act while still harboring ill will. In fact, it’s quite likely when you first forgive, you will NOT be able to forget.
Very often, a person will say “I forgive you,” but continue to treat their spouse in a punishing manner. Forgiveness is not a proclamation; it’s a deed. It’s all about how you treat your spouse. You can forgive long before you forget. And you can do that by resuming “normal” interaction between you and your spouse despite the fact that you’re struggling with negative feelings and thoughts.
Read Miriam’s letter again. You’ll notice a distinction between forgiving and forgetting in her experience. She’s doing pretty well forgiving; but she can’t forget. Miriam’s realizing that these two acts do NOT go together. Forgiveness comes first. Forgetting takes more time.
Forgetting is not a voluntary action like forgiving. You can’t control your thoughts and feelings. You can, however, control your actions. Forgiveness is a personal initiative. Forgetting is a result of passivity; you simply have to wait. “Time heals” is the cliché, and it’s true. But in the meantime, you can forgive.
Although there is no substitute for time when it comes to forgetting, it’s worth noting that forgiving does help you forget. In other words, if you continue to punish your spouse for their mistakes, you’ll just reinforce your anger and remind yourself of your pain. But if you treat your spouse as you did before their offence, your positive behavior will contribute to more positive feelings. If you’re sad, smile! If you’re tired, exercise. You get the idea.
I want to say something else about forgetting. I’m not going to sugar coat this. It comes from personal experience. It’s not pretty, but it’s true.
Some things you just never forget.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t go on. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have a successful marriage. But Miriam is going to have to accept the fact that she’s NEVER going to forget that her husband lied to her. That’s sad, but it’s not cause for porce, and it doesn’t mean that Miriam can’t have a successful marriage and a happy life.
As you know, my wife and I lost 3 children. Thank God, today we have 5 beautiful children and wonderful family. Have we moved on? Absolutely! Are we healthy and happy? I think so. Do we think about those losses every day? No. But did we forget? No. There are certain images from that hospital room that will always be with us. We speak of it rarely, but when we do it hurts. We’ll never forget.
Forgive and forget are not the same.
Forgiveness is a choice. Forgetting is up to Hashem.
Forgiveness happens first. Forgetting comes much later, if at all.
But no matter what offences afflict your marriage, the act of forgiveness can create a healing and allow you to experience a fulfilling relationship.
Keep that distinction in mind. Do what you can to forgive. And we should all daven that Hashem will grant us the gift to forget.
Mordechai
Founder & Director
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