Dear Navidaters,
I have been seeing a guy for five months. I know myself well enough to know that going out with someone for two months will leave me feeling insecure about getting engaged. I’m not judging anyone who dates for that amount of time, it’s just for me it would never do. This leads me to why I am writing into you guys. I’m hoping you can shed some light on this for me.
First you need to know, I am not a shallow or superficial person and I am so much more about humor, warmth, kindness, intelligence than I am about money or looks. I met my boyfriend, “Daniel” five months ago. He knew right off the bat that I’m not the kind of girl who is going to get engaged after ten dates and that was fine for him. He told me if you really like someone, what’s some more time?
When I met Daniel he wasn’t thin, he wasn’t heavy, he was somewhere in between. I was very attracted to him immediately. About two months into our relationship he started gaining weight. I never asked, but I would say in three months he must have put on between 40 to 50 lbs. He hasn’t said a word and I certainly have not said a word. The thing is I really really like him but his weight is a real turn off for me. We are completely shomer negiah, but even if we were allowed to touch I can’t imagine wanting to. Right now, it’s fine but if we were married I would think that would be a big problem.
He’s been broaching the subject of getting engaged and I’ve been telling him I’m content dating right now. The truth is I am in graduate school and no one is supporting us after we are married. If he hadn’t put all the weight on I would probably be ready to accept a proposal. I keep pushing off the subject and I can feel something shifting in our relationship; not for the better. I want to know what you think. Should I call it off because of his weight? Should I look the other way? Does this make me shallow? I’ve spoken about it with different people and I get conflicting opinions. HELP!
A Confused Girl
Dear
A Confused Girl
,
Firstly, kudos to you for acknowledging your need to get to know someone and not allowing “the system” to pressure you into something you are not ready for. We admire your bravery, risk taking and high level of self awareness. While it is not for us, The Navidaters to say how long two people should date and get to know each other; certainly the longer you date someone the more time you allow for situations to naturally arise and the more time you have to observe how your partner reacts in different circumstances. Clearly this is of utmost importance to you before you commit yourself to marriage. You go girl!
Had you gotten engaged after a handful of dates, like you alluded to, you would have been dealing with your situation as an engaged woman, and possibly one who may have sent out wedding invitations to boot!
Everything was hunky dory between you and Daniel until two months into the relationship when he started to rapidly and steadily gain weight. An estimated 40 to 50 lb. weight gain in such a short amount of time is significant. What struck us as we read (and reread) your email is that you haven’t brought up your
concern
to Daniel. You focus on your attraction or lack of attraction, which is of utmost importance, and we will come back to that in a minute; but you make no mention of
concern
for him. Our minds began wondering if Daniel is going through a hardship right now. Is he struggling financially, did someone chas v’shalom pass away, is someone in his family sick, did he begin smoking marijuana and have a serious case of “the munchies?” Is he taking a new medication, did he go off of a medication? Or, two months into the relationship, did he begin to feel comfortable with you and decided to go hog wild because he found someone who accepts him fully and completely? When someone’s appearance changes drastically the odds are that something is going on.
If you have not thought of any of these possibilities, now is the time. As we see it, at the present moment you don’t need to decide whether or not you will be getting married. You are very wise to take your time to get to know Daniel and develop your relationship. Now is the time, however, to have an honest, candid, gentle heart to heart with Daniel in which you reflect to him your concern for his health and well-being. No, this is not an easy conversation to have but it is imperative to communicate openly and honestly. A good, healthy relationship can tolerate this conversation.
Regarding your lack of attraction to Daniel at this weight; this is not insignificant as many times well intentioned people would like us to believe. Physical attraction is an essential part of a relationship. Feeling relieved that you do not have to touch him because you are shomer negiah is not positive. It concerns us. Hopefully, after you speak with him you will have more information. Right now, you are in the dark and it’s time to shed some light! To answer your specific questions from the end of your e-mail:
Good luck and feel free to contact us in the future as the situation progresses.
Sincerely,
Esther and Jennifer
The Navidaters are dating and relationship coaches and therapists working with singles, daters and couples. Located in Lawrence, NY, we offer office, phone and Skype sessions. If you would like to be featured in our next blog, please email us at thenavidaters@gmail.com
www.thenavidaters.com
516.224.7779
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