Dear Navidaters,
Last month I got engaged to Chaim. He is wonderful and I’m so happy to have met him and finally get out of the dating world and start my real life.
Anyway, Chaim is a really sweet and attentive guy. He’s an only child, and one of the things that I liked so much about him was the fact that he talked so beautifully about his parents. Particularly his mother. I was advised when I started dating to take note of how a man talks to and about his mother. That will give you insight into how he will talk to you and about you, if you become his wife. So Chaim scored very high in this department.
Anyway, I basically have no complaints about Chaim, except that now that we’re engaged, I’m seeing his over-the-top relationship with his parents and more important, how his mother is behaving with me. First about Chaim. It seems that his parents always want or need something from him. At first I gave him a lot of slack, because after all, he is the only child. They would call him to DVR a TV show for them, to change lightbulbs, to pick up certain grocery or sundry items that somehow they weren’t able to find.
Please understand that Chaim’s parents are not old or infirmed. They just rely so heavily on Chaim for all sorts of things. I look at the relationship my parents have with all their children. They would never call us up to do simple things for them, unless it was truly an emergency. So I’m finding this a problem. And now that Chaim is very comfortable with me, he doesn’t seem to have a problem keeping me waiting or even once, canceling a date, because his parents needed him for something. I feel like I’m in competition with Chaim’s parents and they are wining.
I haven’t really brought this up to Chaim yet, because I don’t feel it’s my place to tell him how he should behave with his parents. They are super close and who am I to get in their way? But I’m wondering, as time goes by, and I start having more of my own needs, whose going to come first, me or the parents?
But the bigger problem is Chaim’s mother. I really don’t like this woman. To begin with, as soon as we got engaged, she said, “you’re going to be the daughter I never had.” I thought it sort of/kind of sounded a little sweet at the beginning, until I started to realize that she meant it! She started introducing me to her friends and relatives as her daughter. That really upset me, since thank G-d, my own mother is alive and well and I’m not this woman’s daughter!
And then she started calling me several times a day just to say “hi.” I really don’t have time for that. I have a demanding job that doesn’t give me much down time for personal calls. Also, she’s always trying to “hang out” with me alone. She doesn’t work and seems to have too much time on her hands. She’ll call me on Sunday to have breakfast with her, or ask if I have time after work to go shopping with her. I get out of work early on Fridays and she asked if we could have a steady manicure appointment together on Friday afternoons.
O.K. It’s nice to feel loved, but I’m feeling smothered!
I’ve said a few general things to Chaim, trying to be gentle and not offend him, since I know how much he loves his mother. (He once told me she’s his best friend.) But he just defends his mother and tells me that she means well and is crazy about me so she therefore loves spending time with me. All well and good, but I do have a life, one that often does not include his mother. Oh, and one more thing. Chaim mentioned that once we are married, he assumes we’ll be spending many Shabbosim with his parents, either at their home or ours. I have married friends and would like to spend many meals with our friends. I think that’s normal and healthy.
So, aside from the whole in-law thing, I do think Chaim is a great guy. But am I being naive and will someday regret marrying into this way too close family?
Smothered
Dear Smothered,
I guess there’s a reason why there are so many mother-in-law jokes. It’s a hard role to play and calls for much sensitivity. After all, you have two women who are deeply invested in the same man. For different reasons and on different levels, but it can get complicated. Some mothers-in-law think no one is good enough for their sons. And some mothers-in-laws feel the need to compete with their daughters-in-law on some silly level – or vice versa.
It’s not a simple relationship, which is why we all often hear about struggles that crop up.
Much of it is the typical, to be expected, kind of stuff. No big deal. And often, after some time, mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law iron out their issues quickly enough, get to know one another on a deeper level and learn how to behave around one another and wind up being best of friends.
What you are describing, however, is way over the top. It is not typical mother-in-law stuff. I would definitely put it in the “extreme” category. As you mentioned Chaim, being the only child, has created with his parents a triangle of relationships that are super-close and not healthy or efficient, particularly when Chaim brings a third party, such as a wife, into the equation. Which is what is happening now. On some level, though I’m sure his parents love you, they may be feeling threatened, as people often resist change, and suddenly their devoted son may have to question his limitless ability to show up for them on a moment’s notice.
Right now it seems as though everyone is marking their territory and establishing their rights. I suggest that this is the time for you to also let it be known what you want, expect and need from a husband and from a mother-in-law. I understand that you don’t want to appear to be disrespectful or unappreciative. But there are always ways of saying things in such a way that does not sound adversarial or harsh. But I encourage you to let your voice be heard. If you don’t do it now, I fear the opportunity for you to establish healthy boundaries all around may be lost forever.
This might sound like a scary and daunting task that I’m suggesting you undertake. The question is, what is the downside to explaining what your basic needs are and will be? If Chaim and his parents can’t understand your needs and respect your requests, they may bolt. If that happens, you have to ask yourself whether this is a blessing in disguise.
On the other hand, if you feel that you are flexible enough, easy going enough, ready to overlook all sorts of strange behaviors because you love Chaim so much and you are so anxious to “start your real life,” then don’t say anything. But be sure to buckle up, because my guess is that you’ll have a bumpy ride ahead!
Wishing you the best,
The Navidaters, 516-224-7779
