Dear Navidaters,
My daughter returned home from Israel about a year ago. She is my oldest and I was really excited about getting on the band wagon and joining all my friends and family who were busy with resumes, shadchanim, and finding the perfect man for her. I know a lot of people complain about how much time it takes out of their lives and how hard it is to deal with rejections, sometimes without even knowing why, and other aggravating parts of this stage of life. But because my daughter Chana is my oldest, and frankly, I wasn’t a spring chicken when she was born, I’ve been waiting a long time to finally up with everyone else and see what the shidduch scene is all about.
Also, I must admit, I think that Chana is quite exceptional. I’m sure there are many young men who would be thrilled to go out with her. So I never considered that I’d have to struggle too much finding men for her to go out with.
So here’s the problem. And please tell me what to do because I’m really upset about this and confused. Though most of Chana’s friends are being set up the proper way, Chana returned home from Israel and told me that she literally hates the idea of going out with strangers that she’s never met before and refuses to be set up by me or anyone else. Who ever heard of such a thing?
At first I figured I’d give her some space and she would quickly see that the men weren’t falling out of trees in front of her, ready to ask her out on a date and that she’d finally come to her senses. Frankly, since last year, she actually has gone out with three different men. Don’t ask me how or where these men came from. One of them she dated only once, the second one two times and the third one she actually went out with for two months. But other than that – nothing. Some of her friends are already getting engaged. And yet, Chana is sticking to her guns.
Just so you know, Chana is a very good girl. She is serious about her life, having a career and is not someone I would call rebellious. Except for this one area. She is totally stubborn and won’t hear of letting me get involved and make some calls.
As her friends are seriously starting to get engaged left and right, I’m starting to panic. I don’t understand what’s wrong with her. She doesn’t explain why she is so insistent on not being set up.
I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do. I’m also so frightened about what’s going to be with her. I don’t even know how she can meet anyone on her own in the first place. I tell her that’s not the world we live in. But she doesn’t seem to care.
Please give me some suggestions regarding how to convince Chana to behave like every other young lady, who needs to get married.
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Though I hear that you are very concerned about Chana’s prospects for meeting her bashert, I’m also hearing that much of this is about your own expectations and needs. It’s hard to feel different, behind the eight ball, not like everyone else. No doubt, starting a family later than other people you knew left you feeling like you were forever last in line and always struggling to catch up. Now that Chana is at the appropriate age to date, the playing field has finally leveled out for you and you therefore are rearing to go. It’s certainly very understandable why you would now be feeling cheated out of a wonderful experience, not to mention something you’ve long craved.
First, I would advise you to try and separate out where you own needs begin and end and where your concerns for Chana begin. Being honest with yourself will enable you to feel less confused.
It sounds as though Chana is an independent thinker, who has to do things her own way, despite the fact that it makes her different from just about everyone else and yes, can impact her opportunities for meeting eligible men. It’s very challenging to be the mother of such a child. Though these qualities will hopefully some day set her apart from her peers in wonderful ways, for the moment, they are very difficult to understand and accept.
For now, I also have to wonder whether Chana is even ready to marry. I’m assuming that she is about 19 years old and despite the fact that many of her peers are marrying so young, there is the distinct possibility that Chana doesn’t feel the time is right for her to date so seriously. Have you asked her whether she feels ready to take on marriage at this point and if not, could it be affecting her desire to be set up? Sometimes, we neglect to ask the most obvious questions.
Finally, let me remind you that there was a time, not so long ago, when young men and women met on their own and it felt natural and appropriate. Maybe Chana is an old fashioned girl who wants to meet someone the old fashion way. If that’s the case, I would encourage you to collect names of organizations that offer great venues for young men and women to enjoy meeting one another, in a relaxed, natural setting. One great example of such an organization is YU Connects. Though they do participate in matchmaking, they also offer opportunities where individuals can meet in an easy setting that feels more spontaneous. And they’ve had enormous successes.
So rather than try to shift Chana’s way of thinking, which frankly may be an impossible task, join her where she’s at. Try to understand what motivates her feelings and then together, make sure you are well informed about all the available resources that will offer her opportunities to meet men the way, not so long ago, many of us met our own husbands. Join Chana at her own game, and together approach this long anticipated stage of life with joy and optimism.
The Navidaters
