They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. But what if you are dating, or in a relationship and you simply can’t maintain eye contact? For some people, eye contact is a breeze. These people can speak to anyone. You might know a person like this. Perhaps he’s your chavrusa from yeshiva… He hasn’t spoken to a girl in ten years but he seems to naturally have a way with the ladies. If you have the gift of gab consider yourself blessed; it truly is a bracha. But what if you weren’t born with the gift of gab? Are you destined to feel awkward and uncomfortable on your dates forever? The Navidaters think not!
People struggle with not only eye contact and chit chat, but even more so, with deep conversation with a member of the opposite gender. In certain frum circles, boys and girls are taught not to engage with each other. Such conversations are frowned upon. So, how in the world are you supposed to know how to do it and what to do when it’s time to date?
With Sruly’s (name has been changed) permission, I share with you Sruly’s three sessions with a Navidater.
Several weeks ago I received a phone call from Sruly. He was unsure about making the initial call, not knowing exactly what his needs were or how I could possibly help him. Sruly shared with me that he has been having the worst “luck” with his dates. He had been out with a young woman four times and was beginning to develop feelings for her. The night before, Sruly got a phone call from the shadchan. The shadchan told Sruly the young woman called off the relationship. She told Sruly that Chaya found him to be handsome, driven and creative, hashkafically a match and from a wonderful family. Everything lined up except for one thing. She found Sruly to be “awkward.” Sruly told me that he was devastated by this news. This was not the first time Sruly had heard this feedback from a young woman, but it was the first time he decided to seek a professional’s guidance.
Sruly sat down on the comfy sofa in my office and immediately I noticed his lack of eye contact. We proceeded with our session, as I gently began taking inventory and learning more about how I could help him. About five minutes into the session I reflected to Sruly that he was not looking at me. He shared that he was aware of that. Actually, his awareness of his lack of eye contact was a source of great anxiety for him. He felt as though it was a hoop of fire that he would have to jump through if he was ever going to get married. “A hoop of fire?” I parroted. “Sounds very painful.” “Yes,” he said. “Sitting with a woman for hours on end is shamefully a painful thing for me.” He shared that there was no deeper explanation other than he had no experience with women. I assured him that there are many young men and women in his shoes. He seemed relieved to know he was “normal.” Sruly is from a family of boys and he charmingly said, “My mother doesn’t count.”
Ah! a sense of humor! I could tell immediately that there was a wonderful person trapped in a shy exterior. The ladies needed to meet the real Sruly! As he became more comfortable with me, I began to see before me a charming and humorous young man. I asked him, “Sruly, you’re relaxing. What changed for you?” He said, “There’s no judgment here.” Bingo! After further exploration and discussion we decided that we would pick two of our packages for him; Dating Tool Kit and Date Role Play. In Sruly’s Dating Tool Kit session we examined Sruly’s dating strategies, his discomfort with connecting and we actually practiced holding eye contact. At first Sruly could not look at me for longer than two seconds, but with time he held it. While he held eye contact, I instructed him not to look away no matter how uncomfortable and share with me what he was feeling in the moment. Not rocket science, but Sruly never had the opportunity to practice this and work through the issue in real time. The next session was the Date Role Play in which Sruly was able to practice his newly learned skills.
Sruly, it turn out had the tools to communicate all along. It was his fear of being judged by the women he dated. As he peels away his fears, I am hopeful he will be able to be his authentic self on his dates which will Gd willing lead him to his bashert. I am happy to report that Sruly is considering having me contact the shadchan and letting her know that he is working on his social skills. He said, “who knows? Maybe Chaya will want to give it another shot, or maybe its in my best interest for the shadchan to understand that I am aware of the issue and working on it. I am not in the dark about myself and I’m being proactive.” Sruly felt relieved that all hope was not lost. He faced his issue and gained a new awareness; some things in life that we never thought could change, do indeed change.
Sruly, if you’re reading this, I am so proud of you! You did great work. Really great work!
The Navidaters
Esther Mann, LCSW and Jennifer Mann, LMSW are dating and relationship coaches and strategists. We are working with singles, those dating, those in serious relationships and engaged couples. We’ve got you covered.
