What’s Up With Commitmentphobes?

    What’s the deal with “commitment phobes?”
    Any time you read or hear about an issue that has the word “phobic” or “phobia” included in it’s label, you can be sure that anxiety is part of the package.
    Anxiety+Girl
    These days, more than ever, anxiety seems to be everywhere.  Maybe we are all feeling too much pressure to keep up, produce, be the very best we can be and beyond, and impress even ourselves – we feel the pangs of stress.  And of course stress either leads to or in some cases, is code for anxiety.
    People who are either commitment phobic or have had the pleasure of dating others who seem to have a fear of commitment, probably would appreciate a little insight into what it’s all about.  So let’s start with the premise that it begins with a certain amount of anxiety surrounding the idea of making a commitment.  O.K. – we can all agree on that.  But where does this anxiety come from and how can be approach it in a sensible fashion, in order to defuse it’s impact on ourselves or others.
    Fundamentally, it’s fair to say that fear of commitment isn’t totally irrational, considering the fact that we all see the marriages of certain family and friends ending in disaster.  But if we do our homework, try our best to date with intention and “seichel,” we increase our changes of success dramatically.  Finally, let’s go through a checklist of a healthier way of thinking, for all of you commitment phobic people out there to consider, in the hope that after considering these attitudes, you can bring down your anxiety level to a typical, garden variety kind of concern.
    (1)  BE REALISTIC – Don’t expect or look for perfect.  No one walks around on cloud nine constantly.  There should always be those things about your spouse that you adore, but also certain things that you can probably live without.  Accept the fact that marriage is not a perfect state of being, though it should be a safe and wonderful place where two people love each other, share many of the same values, have each others’ backs and are willing to work together to weather whatever inevitable storms come their way.
    (2)  HOLD ON TO POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS – Some people seem very good at holding onto only the bad memories more tightly than the good ones.  If you find you are overly invested in memories linked to bad relationships you’ve had or seen – it’s time to rewrite the script and invest in positive memories.
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    (3)  DON’T LET A DEADLINE DERAIL YOU – Though many people have an idea as to how long a couple should date before getting engaged and what is the appropriate amount of time to be engaged, if the pressure of these preconceived beliefs are causing you stress and a desire to run, let go of other people’s ideal deadline.  Inform everyone who is pressuring you to respect your comfort level and basically – back off.  Sometimes, just knowing that no one is breathing down your neck allows you to focus on the future in a calm way, rather than feel the clock ticking.
    (4)  GET REAL – If there are specific things about the person you’re dating that concern you, even if these things don’t necessarily seem all that critical, talk it out with them.  Learning how to share your feelings and fears is a healthy pattern to get into and a wonderful habit that will allow you, throughout your life, to connect to others in a more meaningful way.
     
    We’re hoping that these four ways of restructuring how you have been approaching relationships, help you feel calm, safe and most of all, focused on what could be a beautiful addition to your life!
    Happy (and Stress-free) Dating!
    The Navidaters are your dating and relationship GPS.  We are ready to address your any and every dating/relationship need.  Call today to inquire.  516.224.7779  Email us at thenavidaters@gmail.com.  Visit our website, www.thenavidaters.com