On Monday night we asked you, the reader to respond with the insensitive comments you have heard with regard to your love life. We’re going to share your comments (anonymously of course) and then get into why people make these ridiculous comments and how you can manage both the conversation and even the emotions stirred within you triggered by the comments.
Drumroll please………
1. “I was 22 when my 20 year old cousin got engaged. I had been dating actively and frequently for about three years but I was decidedly single. I had to “steel” myself to attend the vort as I knew that I would get lots of “by you soon” wishes accompanied by meaningful looks and excessively tight hand squeezes. However, when one of those lovely people announced, “Well, now it’s your turn” I simply responded that actually my turn theoretically had been before my cousin’s.”
2. “At my cousin’s wedding who is the same age as me, making it a hard wedding as it is, some relative of my cousin who is not even related to me came over and asked “what’s taking so long? There’s no excuse, just pick a girl and get married.” I was only on the market for three months at that point. Horrifying…
3. “As my friend was sitting by the hairdresser, a lady came in and said ‘Mazel tov! My niece is engaged. The hairdresser responded, ‘Mazel tov! How old is she?’ When the hairdresser found out she was 17 she commented on how young she was. The hair dresser then told her that I am 21. The lady then said to me, “Don’t worry, you only look 16 anyway.'”
My friend was deeply hurt. She is short and desperate to get engaged. How can someone be so untactful? People, please have some sensitivity towards others and think before you speak!
These comments are beyond the pale of stupidity and insensitivity. How hurt you must have been during those moments and rightfully so! Who wouldn’t feel that way? It’s a completely normal emotion, and the right one! (The good news is you are normal… can’t be so sure about the people making those comments! All jesting aside…..) Why would people make these comments? Well, let’s take a look at several possibilities.
We believe there are some individuals who genuinely are coming from a sincere and authentic place. They want to see you happily married. Their delivery is awful, but that is a reflection of their own personalities and behaviors, and has nothing to do with you. These people aren’t only insulting you. Oh no! They are the people asking women with slight tummies, “nu, when is the baby due?” They are teaching teachers how to teach, telling doctors how to practice and giving gardening advice to the gardeners.
There are those people in the world who are “toxic” and may be trying to make you uncomfortable. But these people are few and far between.
Perhaps there should be sensitivity classes for the sensitivity challenged.
How can you manage these awkward, uncomfortable and ridiculous exchanges with family members and total strangers? First and foremost, it’s important that you become aware (if you aren’t already) of the emotion stirred inside of you. Is it sadness you feel in those moments? Or perhaps anger directed at the intrusive person. Frustration, loneliness, relief because you aren’t really ready to get married etc. etc. It will be different for everyone.
When we become aware of our feelings and conscious of our own thoughts, suddenly the “power” these yentas have over us diminishes. There will always be those meddling people who have no boundaries and lack sensitivity awareness. And they may always trigger that emotion inside of you. But that is OK. It’s all good. When you are triggered….are you ready for this? We are going to share something that may seem completely counter-intuitive. SIMPLY NOTICE YOUR THOUGHT. Watch it pass by. You are not your thoughts. You are not defined by your thoughts. I am going to create a scenario for you including the “yenta” and you. Here it goes…
Yenta: “You’re dating already three years. Your mother told me you’re very picky. Tick tock Rochel. The guys are flying off the market.”
Rochel: (Internally) “She’s right. I am getting older. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I have been picky. What if I never get married? What if I don’t get through this? I can’t go to another friend’s wedding.
(In response to Yenta): Um, I don’t know what to say. (Smiles and blushes).
Notice the feeling that Rochel’s internal dialogue reveals. What do you think it is? I am sensing fear. Fear is the most primal emotion human beings have. In response to her emotion of fear, her brain kicks in with the “what ifs?” Rochel can learn to manage her emotions in a healthier way. With a little reprogramming her new dialogue could turn into:
“Ok, so I am feeling a bit fearful in this moment. Yes, that’s my thought. Ok, fear. There it is. There it goes. I’m not going to fight it or try to change it. The same way it came is the same way it will go. Ultimately, I know that nothing in life is guaranteed for me or for anyone. We all live life with unknowns.”
With practice and time, Rochel will be able to manage her conversation with “Yenta” a whole lot better. She may even be able to spin it into something completely positive and beneficial to her. For example, “I certainly try not to be picky. Hmmm, I’ll have to give your suggestion some serious thought. Anyway, I am looking to get married. Do you know of any guys for me to date?”
Part of life and growth is learning how to tolerate and manage all the opinions of the world. Ultimately, they are meaningless but it is your job to guard and protect your heart, mind and soul. Be a gatekeeper of your most prized possession, you! Take good care of yourself.
Happy Dating! Happy Thoughts!
The Navidaters
Esther and Jennifer
Whatever your dating and relationship need, we’ve got you covered!
516.224.7779
Please write to us with your feedback at thenavidaters@gmail.com
