Worst Dating Advice Ever!

    Update on last night’s blog:  We are so pleased to see so many of you emailing and calling with your Top 5!  Follow up to be announced shortly!  On to tonight’s agenda:  What is the worst dating advice you have ever received?  Here’s a short story (a short and real story).

    I had been working with Shani (name has been changed as well as minor details to protect the anonymity of the client) for three years as she navigated her way through the shidduch terrain.  Shani was one of the most personable and charismatic people I had ever met.  Quick as a whip, working full time as an Occupational Therapist, from a terrific family….  we couldn’t figure out what the issue was.  PS, Shani was an objectively attractive young woman, fit and fashionable.  And to boot she was incredibly level headed when it came to finding her bashert.  She knew what her relationship negotiables and non-negotiables were.  In other words, she wasn’t “picky.”  She was dating “religiously,” going out religiously every Thursday night for three years.  Something wasn’t right.  I felt strongly that I was missing a piece of the puzzle. Sometimes as a therapist and dating/relationship coach and strategist, I go into what I call “detective mode.”  I took out my magnifying glass and gently began exploring uncharted territory.

    female_detective1

    I asked Shani if we could invite her parents in.  Thinking that perhaps the issue was with them; who knows, right?  Maybe they were turning out potential suitors.  We’ve all heard of overbearing mothers and fathers who though well- intentioned, unintentionally sabotage their children’s dates and relationships.  But no!  I met them and they were lovely as could be.  Shani’s mother’s appearance struck me a bit.  She was heavily made up, as if she was off to a simcha after our session.  Glamorous outfit, heels, long and flowing sheitel.  She also appeared quite young for her age (perhaps aided by a good plastic surgeon, at the very least a good dermatologist).  I was also struck by how quiet she was, but I figured, it takes all kinds.  Strike 1 for me!  Back to the drawing board.  OK, OK, not the parents.  (PAUSE:  You may be thinking “Maybe she just didn’t meet the one.  Very often people just haven’t met the right one yet.  Very often, this is exactly the case.  But I felt it was my duty to leave no stone unturned.  If there was indeed something in Shani’s behavior or story, then that would mean that it would be in her POWER to CHANGE it.  How empowering is that?!?!)

    Empowerment

    We invited her best friend (who happened to be her private, casual shadchan) into a session.  I picked her brain.  I asked her for feedback about Shani’s dating style and what the guys have been reporting to her.  She turned bright red and said “Nothing, they think she’s great, just not what they are looking for.”  I reflected to her, “You just turned red.  Did it get warm in here?”  She took a long pause and burst, “Shani, I didn’t know how to tell you this but guys are turned off by your looks.”  At this point Shani burst into tears.  Although tears were flowing from both Shani and her friend, and a screaming match soon ensued, we carried on with the important detective work we were doing.  Shani was livid.  “How dare you say that to me?  What kind of a friend are you?  I bet you’re lying!  You’ve always been jealous of me!”  Her friend replied, “Jealous?  You’ve always thought that of me.  Let me tell you, I am not jealous! Etc, etc.”  Her friend turned to me and said “You see.  How could I give Shani honest feedback?  She gets so angry!  She can’t handle it.”

    You Can't Handle the Truth

    Once I honored everyone’s feelings and established some order in the room I encouraged Shani’s friend to give over the crucial feedback.  “What is it these men are telling you?”  She continued, “They say that Shani looks like a dress up doll on the dates.”  I needed more information.  The session went on and Shani and her friend began to work through the issue.

    At the next session, I asked Shani if she could bring in a picture of herself before a date.  She agreed.  What she brought in to session the following week was a real eye-opener.  At first I thought it was a picture of her mother.  There she was… a completely different Shani.  Not the Shani I knew.  She was done up as if she was going to a simcha.  Layers and layers of completely unnatural looking makeup.  Shiny headband, a diamond and pearl broach, five inch heels, broad puffy sleeves and a skirt that looked like she had a bandage wrapped around her.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Shani said, “Oh I know.  It totally doesn’t look like me, right?”  “No, Shani” I said, “It totally doesn’t look like you.”  Gently I began, “How did you acquire this look?  In my office, you are so naturally beautiful and look effortlessly chic and put together.  It’s not registering for me.”  Shani told me that her mother instructed her to dress this way for her dates.  She said boys like a girl who is glamorous and looks well taken care of.  Shani saw her parents happily married for years, and saw her mother dressing that way for years.  She put two and two together, and never thought twice about how she looked on her dates.

    In Shani’s case, this turned out to be the magic bullet, the missing puzzle piece.  It took a lot of work and experimenting (and convincing) but Shani began to dress more in line with how she naturally did for her dates.  She also worked on her anger and inability to withstand constructive criticism.  Neither her dress or her disdain for feedback would have been addressed how we not done the detective work. Within 6 months, Shani met Chaim and they were engaged a handful of months later.

    This is part of the work we do as Navidaters.  We locate the issue and work through it.  We don’t bring you your bashert, but we help our clients be their best dating and relationship selves, so when the right one comes along (iy’H) our clients are ready!

    self image

    What is the worst dating advice you have ever received?  We can’t wait to hear from you!  Keep those emails and calls coming!

    Email us at thenavidaters@gmail.com

    Call us at 516.224.7779

    Check out our website, www.thenavidaters.com

    Call us to get started today!  Ask us about our free 20 minute consultation!

    Sincerely,

    Jennifer Mann, Navidater