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I want to go on a little rant here. I have been dating for over three years now, and have gone out with close to forty girls. The majority of the dates were through shadchanim. I’m not referring to the people who casually dabble in trying to make a shidduch but the ones that describe their job as a full-time shadchan and meet countless singles.
The job is a tedious one and while they may get some bad rap now and then it is a noble and ambitious pursuit nonetheless.
Yet with all the praise they are deserving of I have still found some flaws in their work, which seem to be a common theme when dealing with mostshadchanim. The first issue is that shadchanim meet hundreds of new singles every year and it’s hard to remember all of them. While this is totally understandable considering the fact they are a one man, or woman I should say, show.
I get it, it’s hard to keep track of everyone. Though, what ends up happening is that they meet ten girls in a given week and redt those girls to whichever guys they can remember that fit the bill.
It is quite common that after a year or even just a few months they forget those girls or guys they met and stop suggesting ideas for them. My mother constantly reminds them that I am still out there and in need of some dates; otherwise I would become just another name.
This problem ends up causing that girls and guys that met the same shadchan, whom would be perfect for each other, simply goes unnoticed due to the high volume of candidates.
A possible solution is that each single, when meeting a shadchan, should be put into select categories of what they are looking for. When each new single meets with the shadchan they can easily scan over his or her compatible matches and hopefully everyone suitable will be considered. While I know many shadchanim implement this system to a certain extent,
I think more can be done to assure consistency. Maybe some computer guy can create a program that does this for all shadchanim. It’s also important to remember which things were important to each respective person, because I often I am given a suggestion that totally ignores things that I clearly stated were problematic; which brings me to my next point.
Shidduchim are extremely hard to make. It’s nearly impossible to match a guy and girl up when picking from hundreds of singles, and hope that it works seamlessly. But some suggestions are so off target that it makes you wonder what the shadchan was thinking.
I know it takes a lot of time, and most shadchanim are mothers and have lives outside shidduchim. But if you are going to take on the task of being a shadchan you have to look at it as a full time job.
Thinking twice before redting an idea is crucial. Make sure that the suggestion makes sense and that both sides would be agreeable to such an idea. If a guy said I don’t want to date a girl that wants to live out-of-town, then don’t redt him someone that is adamant on living in Detroit.
That is an extreme example but so many times suggestions are off that its hard not to get frustrated.
Yes you have no time, but neither do the mothers and singles that are spending time looking into your “cherished” suggestions. I honestly believe professional shidduchim are quantity over quality. If you throw a hundred darts at a wall, a few are bound to stick right? Just please let us get a little more personal with the ideas. Don’t just redt a girl you met that day to the guy you met yesterday because she wears a skirt and he is definitely interested in that!
I don’t know if you know any shadchanim, but think about it, they seem to be a little bit of a know-it-all. Meeting with the endless stream of seminary girls give them some license to sum her up in fifteen minutes and assume that she knows exactly what she is looking for.
Give me a break! It is clear that only with Hashems help and a little luck that people end up getting married. Shadchanim are just the fortunate go betweens that allow it to happen.
Don’t get me wrong, they are much appreciated and without them we singles would be lost. It isn’t fair to assume what a guy or girl is all about. Ask questions, get clarity, and try and get more of a feel about what they are really about.
A shadchan isn’t how it used to be, like in Fiddler On the Roof, where she knows everyone in the town and it’s just a matter of figuring out who fits with whom. We are a lot more complicated now, and its more than just some facts on paper.
It is a hard job and a heavy order to ask, but it is only fair to the singles that go through gehenom in this time of their lives that they are taken seriously and dealt with fairly.
My favorite shadchan is a certain woman, who will remain unnamed, because she gives you the time of day. When she has an idea she first emails my mother in a pleasant manner asking whether or not I am currently available. She then goes on to, dare I say, actually pick up the phone and call my mother about the girl. She will tell her all about her and why she thinks it is a good match.
After the date she calls each side personally and will talk about your thoughts for however long you need. She is invested in the idea, with care and concern. And if it doesn’t work out she asks why and tries to see if there was a misunderstanding, and if it it still no good she will try and figure out what was good and what to look for in the future. That my readers ( if there are any of you) is the ideal shadchan, and what everyone that gives themselves that title should strive for.
You have no idea how many times, I have tried to reach some shadchanim, and they don’t even have the decency to respond via email, let alone pick up the phone and talk in person. I have gotten resumes without a word from the shadchan. I’ve even gotten an email with just a lone picture with the subject line“Nu?”.
Is this really what it’s come to? When you say no to the suggestion they just move on. If they really thought it was a good idea, they would push it. It is just evident to the fact that the shadchanim themselves didn’t really give any thought to the idea in the first place.
I know all this seems to come off strong-worded and offensive, and ask that all shadchanim don’t look at this as an attack on thier work (which I assure I, and all singles, greatly appreciate) but rather a suggestion to better the future. This may be just my view of things but I belive if you would ask most singles out there they would agree that they feel that no one is really invested in them, and have been set up with such unsuitable matches its hard not to get frustrated with the current system.
I don’t think that anything is going to change in the near future, but it may be possible that a shadchan reads this and says, “Maybe I can work a little better…” It’s my hope that all singles no matter what there status or background are given the time and care to help get them married. Simchos B’karov.
