Things seem to be going well, blee ayin hara. You’ve had several dates already and the shadchen seems pleased that the shidduch is progressing. Now the thought going through your mind is ‘Could this person truly be my bashert with whom I’ll spend the rest of my life?’
No-one can tell you that for sure. This is a realization you must arrive at for yourself. Still, here are some questions to help you consider if someone is your bashert or not:
Does this person accept you for who you are? He/she doesn’t judge, compare you with others, or criticize you because they understand you are a unique individual of your own. He/she celebrates everything about you and sees good things about you, even if you’re not so sure yourself.
Does he/she inspire you to be more than you can be? Your bashert should inspire you to be more than you can be. Being with him/her elevates you rather than holds you down. When you’re with him/her, you feel like a better person and you want to be even better for him/her (as well as yourself).
Is he/she there for you in times of need? Your bashert should be the one who’s always there for you: day or night, rain or shine. He/she will never leave you to face your problems alone. He/she cares about your well-being: perhaps even more so than he/she cares for him/herself.
Does he/she make you feel happy? Your bashert should make you happy. When you’re with him/her, you should be feeling happy or content. When you think about him/her, you smile, not cry (even if you cry, they should be tears of happiness, not sorrow). While you may have disagreements at times, they are quickly resolved and not dragged out. Your happy times together far outweigh any unhappy moments. He/she is, without a doubt, a positive light in your life.
Do you feel eager to see him/her? Your bashert should be someone you are eager to see every time. No meeting is too soon between the both of you; you can’t wait till you meet again. You always make time to meet him/her — even in your busiest times — because that’s how important he/she is to you.
Are you comfortable together? You should be able to be yourself with your bashert. Be it being goofy, nerdy, sulky, or serious, you can be all these and more in front of him/her without worrying about judgment. You don’t need to pretend to be someone you’re really not.
Do you really care about each other? Your feelings should not be based on his/her good looks, personal success, wealth, family background, social status, or career accomplishments. Rather, do you care about who he/she is: character, shared values, and ethics?
Do you see yourself with him/her for the rest of your life? Your bashert should be someone you see yourself with forever: for better, for worse, richer, poorer, through the good times and challenging times that life brings. No matter what happens, you will stick with each other and stand by his/her side. (Under a chuppah!)
