Rachel Burnham: Are Looks As Important To Shidduch Dating As It Was To Avhashveirosh?🤷🏻‍♀️

Is Looks as Important to Shidduch Dating as it Was to Achashveirosh?

It Seems I Don’t Have “The Look”, Now What?

I am a 26 year old capable, vivacious and accomplished woman seeking to find my mate. No matter how much I try to prepare myself internally for marriage, it seems that for society, matchmakers, media, and men, the only thing of real value is external beauty.

While I do try to take care of myself physically, it is not high on my priority list. I would consider myself average in looks and grooming, yet above average in intelligence, diligence, and qualities required to raise, run, and nurture a successful home.

I’m confident that if they gave me the chance, many men would appreciate my deeper qualities. Without that opportunity I’m stuck. Any thoughts?

I’m Just Not Attracted to Them, Now What?

I am a 33 year old guy and have been struggling in dating for quite a few years. I date wonderful women from great homes who are intelligent, frum, kind, pretty, warm and capable.

Yet, I just don’t seem to be physically attracted to them.

The few women I’ve met that I have found attractive were not a good match for other reasons. I really do want to be married and see that many of my friends have found exactly what they were looking for. I come across many attractive women, yet almost none as dating options. Would love to hear your opinion.

Here’s How I View Looks, for Guys and Girls

Looks, attraction, beauty…how much weight should we give it? Is our sifting process of whom to date that different from the beauty pageant of Achashvarosh?

Haven’t we simply replaced his beauty driven search with resumes, profiles, Facebook, and Jswipe?

“Sheker Hachain vehevel hayofi” – what does that even mean today? Has Photoshop convinced us to date people that are wrong for us while passing up good opportunities and turned our dating into a modern day Persian pageant?

Obviously men and woman will process this topic very differently, yet I believe it’s important for all of us concerned about the modern dating scene to view this from both sides so we can understand what is an increasingly central component of the modern dating landscape.

Here are some tips for each.


  • 1. Don’t’ fight it, embrace it: It would be foolish to claim that this topic is a new one. Beauty and attraction have been a factor since Adam and Eve. As much as we may want to fight it, it’s the reason we’re able to replace our population.

    Without attraction, families are not created, generations not born, and loyal marriages not formed. I hope you agree that it is a crucial ingredient in any relationship.

  • 2. Men want more than a pretty face: A mansion covered with peeling paint, surrounded by dead weeds, and enclosed in a broken fence, would not encourage many to see the beauty that may be inside.

    Men want all the wonderful qualities you have to offer, yet to get past the ‘front door’ there needs to be an incentive. It isn’t all about looks, but there does need to be a baseline of attraction for a man to continue dating.

  • 3. Easy changes: There is much a woman can do to enhance her physical beauty. Do you need to lose weight, update your make-up, heels, or simply add some color to your wardrobe?

    There are all sorts of online and in-person resources that can help.

    An investment in this area is an investment in your future. Those that hold out may painfully find themselves single year after year, before finally willing to make such efforts years down the line.

  • 4. Confidence is attractive: Society may want to push values and looks that are not in line with who you are and who you want to be.

    Stay true to yourself and present your most confident self. A warm smile, inviting open nature and non judgmental confidence is extremely attractive as well.

  • 5. Take it as a sign: Don’t take it personally.

    Why would we ever want to date or be with a man who doesn’t think we are beautiful inside and out??

    It would not be good for either of you short or long term. Take it as a sign and move on to a man that wants the beautiful person that you are.

    Beauty is subjective, and there is someone for everyone. Move on!


  • 1. Looks are important: I’d never suggest that looks don’t matter. What I would say is that they need to be weighed in the correct proportion.

    There are many wonderful traits that make up a woman, and looks is just one.

    Putting aesthetics too high on your list of priorities will leave you wondering why you just dated a very pretty girl with absolutely nothing to talk about.

  • 2. Be careful what you ask for – you might get it: High maintenance women come with challenges.

    For starters, I hope you have the bank account to support it! It’s not uncommon for highly attractive women to be superficial and self absorbed people.

    These are not easy qualities to live with and don’t bode well for the happiness of a marriage and proper raising of children.

  • 3. Nobody gets everything: Nobody is perfect. “The full package” only exists for those that haven’t unpacked the package.

    The process of achieving perfection is a life goal, and one that will always remain incomplete.

    Since there are going to be trade offs, be sure not to trade in crucial and lasting value for anything superficial or fleeting.

  • 4. Ask smart: When looking into a girl, ask about things you won’t be able to see on a date. Ask about the qualities that lead to a long lasting and happy home.

    Asking about looks won’t get you far. Even if people were honest, looks are subjective, and is something you’ll be able to very easily judge yourself when you see her.

  • 5. Don’t judge a book by its cover: For better or worse, it’s  extremely easy to get pictures of a prospective date.

    Human beings can be deep, multi-faceted, emotionally complex, unexpectedly witty, and intelligent in all sorts of ways.

    This unique sort of dimensionality and color will never be captured in a photo. Be careful not to make the biggest decision of your life based on very limited and possibly misleading information.

  • 6. How to make your date beautiful: The most beautiful women in the world are those who are loved and cherished.

    The fact that a married woman belongs to a husband immediately gives her an extra allure, because she is desired by a man. They radiate and exude confidence in the fact that they have a husband by their side who cares for them, believes in them, and belongs solely to them.

    When you can create a safe, nurturing, kind and compassionate environment for your date, you begin to create beauty within her you may never have known was possible.

Marriage is a partnership where two very different beings meld together to build a life, home and future. That doesn’t mean their needs are the same. Women may have more emotional needs, which can be a challenge for men. Men may have more physical needs, which can be a source of stress for women.

The goal of a marriage should be to extend outside of oneself and meet the needs of the other. To flex your relationship muscles together and strengthen the bonds that are required to build a strong home. May your future homes be filled with both external and internal beauty, and may that route be the shortest distance to your longest relationship.